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[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
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What are you doing?
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I'm posting false information on the Web.
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Why?
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It's fun.
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Someone picks up a strand of false information,
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spreads it around,
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and before you know it, a panic is created.
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Then you just sit back and watch the chaos.
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And figure out a way to exploit it, no doubt.
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You say that as if it's a bad thing.
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I don't think that is what the World Wide Web
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was created for.
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Ah, that's where you're wrong.
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Do you have any idea how difficult it was
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to spread rumors before?
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Mailings, cold calling.
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Sometimes, I had to go door-to-door.
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It was a real pain.
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Thanks to the new technology, my productivity has increased.
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Just in the last couple of years,
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I've been able to create fear
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about cell phones, power lines, and organ theft rings.
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You must be very proud.
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It's fulfilling.
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Well, the last thing I want to do right now
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is sit in front of a computer screen.
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My neck is all stiff,
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and I'm blurry-eyed from sitting all day
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in my cubicle staring at one.
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Hmm, you don't say.
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What are you doing now?
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Do you ever feel anxious, tired or depressed
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in your cubicle?
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I've never felt any other way.
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Cha-ching.
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Symptoms include blurred vision, muscle joint pain,
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anxiety, fatigue, depression.
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The conclusion is inescapable.
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Symptoms of what?
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What conclusion?
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An epidemic of chronic cubicle syndrome.
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Did you say "chronic cubicle syndrome"?
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Hearing loss...
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You just made that up.
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Correction: I have discovered
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a heretofore undiagnosed condition.
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There is no such thing as chronic cubicle syndrome.
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Initially, victims exhibit denial.
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But you have no proof.
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Oh, I have something much better than proof.
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Anecdotal evidence.
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Who do you think would be dumb enough
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to believe anecdotal evidence?
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Oh, I've narrowed my target market to...
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people.
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I have news for you.
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We people are smarter than we look.
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How hard would that be, really?
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Personally, I require scientific evidence
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before I believe anything.
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No, you don't.
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Yes, I do.
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No, you only think you do.
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But in fact, you rely on media reports
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that scientific evidence exists.
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You don't actually see the evidence yourself.
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I don't have time to read
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all the scientific studies myself.
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Oh, so you're not gullible,
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you're just busy.
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That's right.
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So when I tell people
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they have chronic cubicle syndrome,
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they won't be gullible,
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they'll be busy, just like you.
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You're being ridiculous.
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Other symptoms include poor perception...
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I do not have poor perception.
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Irritability...
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Stop that! Stop it right now!
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Bouts of irrational shouting...
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Are you trying to make me crazy?
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Paranoia.
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Now what?
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Now my ghostwriter will put the finishing touches
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on the book.
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You've been writing a book while we've been talking?
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I know how that sounds, and you'd be right.
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Ratbert.
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How may I be of service to you higher life-forms?
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You can't publish a book
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about an unproven medical condition.
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Apparently, you haven't been to the book store lately.
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Proofread, publish, distribute.
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Roger.
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We're very fortunate to live in the time of Dogbert.
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This isn't happening.
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Add delusions to the symptoms list.
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You got it.
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[EXPLOSION]
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[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
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[music]
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We're talking with best-selling author
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of Chronic Cubicle Syndrome:
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If You Think You've Got It, You've Got It.
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Dogbert. Dogbert, welcome.
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Could you repeat the name of the book?
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Uh, sure.
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Chronic Cubicle Syndrome:
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If You Think You've Got It, You've Got It.
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How about you, honey?
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This is an equal opportunity condition.
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Okay...
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Chronic Cubicle Syndrome:
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If You Think You've Got It, You've Got It.
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Now, Mr. Dogbert, tell us,
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what exactly is chronic cubicle syndrome?
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Oh, I can't divulge that information.
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You'll have to buy the book.
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What's it called again?
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Nice try.
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I can tell you
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that millions of people suffer from chronic cubicle syndrome.
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It's a worldwide epidemic.
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How would one know if one had
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chronic cubicle syndrome?
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[SIGHS]
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If you think you've got it, you've got it.
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Is there any scientific evidence to support your claim?
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The best kind.
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It's called anecdotal.
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AUDIENCE: Ooh!
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This is preposterous.
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I'm a scientist,
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and I tell you all that anecdotal evidence is worthless.
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Talk to the hand.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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You certainly made him look like a boob.
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We get all kinds.
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I think we all know from past experience
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that the scientific and medical community
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will try to suppress this information,
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hiding behind red tape and double-blind studies
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until it's too late.
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How many people have to die, sir?
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Yeah, how many?
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It says in your bio that you're a doctor,
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but our producer checked with the medical boards
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and we find no record of you.
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How do you explain that?
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Talk to the hand.
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[LAUGHING]
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There you have it.
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Our next market opportunity:
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Chronic cubicle syndrome.
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I hate to break it to you,
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but there's no such thing as chronic cubicle syndrome.
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I've heard of it!
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You've heard of it because it was just on TV.
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So?
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I think I have chronic cubicle syndrome.
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Does it make your butt wider?
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I'm losing muscle tone.
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I wondered what was causing that.
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Sometimes, I feel like I am surrounded by nincompoops.
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I believe that is a symptom of CCS.
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Wally, what's it say?
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If this is a ventriloquism act, it's better with a dummy.
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I mean the tape measure.
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Calm down.
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There is no such thing as chronic cubicle syndrome.
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Dilbert, I value your input.
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Now, who wants to develop a product
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to combat chronic cubicle syndrome?
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First of all, we're not a pharmaceutical company.
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Second, we're engineers, not biochemists.
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Dilbert, I value your input.
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Now, who wants to help Dilbert develop a product
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to combat chronic cubicle syndrome?
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Hands?
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You know, the facts are completely against us here.
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All right, hang on here.
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You know, in our mad rush to cash in
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on this horrible condition before the competition
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and before
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the class-action suits get filed,
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are we perhaps getting ahead of ourselves?
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What is our "moral" responsibility?
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Yes! That is exactly what I'm saying.
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Perhaps we need further research.
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Yes!
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Perhaps further study.
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Yes!
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Well, who's got time for that, you prig?
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No. We need to create some favorable facts first.
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Now...
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Favorable facts?
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Yes, favorable facts.
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The other kind are worthless.
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Now, let's see, let's see...
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We could flip a coin.
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Too risky.
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We could test humans! That's always fun!
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What about monkeys?
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Or rabbits? Or puppies?
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We've had some success
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hurting them in the past, haven't we?
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Dilbert could do some tests on mice.
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Mice are full of favorable facts.
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Very good. Mice it is.
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This is ridiculous
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But at least that's vaguely scientific.
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I'll need a budget to get some mice.
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Say what?
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We're not paying for mice.
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Good God, man, the streets are full of them.
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It looks so real.
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Wally, did you bring the cheese?
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Yes, it's delicious.
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And now the mouse.
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Technically, I'm a rat, not a mouse.
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I know, but you're all we could afford on our budget.
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That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
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No signs of chronic cubicle syndrome yet.
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He looks listless and bored.
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That doesn't mean anything.
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My co-workers are idiots!
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Idiots, I say!
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Only I and I alone know all the answers.
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You can't tell me that's not chronic cubicle syndrome.
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We haven't established causation yet.
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I'm wasting my life in here!
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There's no career path.
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I want stock options.
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I think my boss hates me
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because of the way he looks at me in the meetings.
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Why do the objectives keep changing?
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I am so customer-focused.
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You are not customer-focused.
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Let's just say further study is needed.
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We're in!
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Start pouring the champagne.
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music Happy days are here again music
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Wait, wait, with just one rat,
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we don't think any conclusions can be drawn.
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Oh, we'll draw conclusions, all right.
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You can be sure of that.
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Take this to the boys
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in the statistical distortion department.
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They'll fix the data for you.
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Tell them Ike sent you.
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Your name's not Ike.
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I didn't say it was.
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I need you
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to distort some statistics from rat tests,
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although I don't agree with doing it.
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I've just lost my will to fight it anymore.
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I don't need the life story.
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Let's see... one rat, one test.
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I can make these numbers prove that...
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immortality is possible...
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or that drinking hard liquor improves your love life.
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Any of those ring your bell?
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No. My boss wants this test to prove the existence
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of something called chronic cubicle syndrome.
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Chronic cubicle syndrome?
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Everyone knows it exists. Haven't you read the book?
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Have you?
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You don't have to actually read it if you buy it.
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It's an implied covenant.
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The book offers absolutely no proof.
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Well, that's not my only source.
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I'm a serious-minded person.
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I also heard about it on TV.
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That's only because of the book.
277
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:36,702
All right, let's see... we've got the TV,
278
00:10:36,702 --> 00:10:40,706
the anecdotal evidence, the book, and now your study.
279
00:10:40,706 --> 00:10:42,208
Congratulations. Nice work.
280
00:10:46,212 --> 00:10:48,714
DILBERT: Well, I hope you're happy.
281
00:10:48,714 --> 00:10:52,218
Chronic cubicle syndrome is now an official condition.
282
00:10:52,218 --> 00:10:53,719
It's sweeping the nation.
283
00:10:53,719 --> 00:10:55,721
Chronic cubicle syndrome is real.
284
00:10:55,721 --> 00:10:56,722
It's all in the book.
285
00:10:56,722 --> 00:10:58,724
Buy a copy for a friend.
286
00:10:58,724 --> 00:10:59,725
The end.
287
00:10:59,725 --> 00:11:00,726
What are you doing?
288
00:11:00,726 --> 00:11:03,229
Just recording the audio version of my book.
289
00:11:03,229 --> 00:11:04,230
That was it?
290
00:11:04,230 --> 00:11:05,231
It's abridged.
291
00:11:05,231 --> 00:11:07,233
Abridged? It's three sentences.
292
00:11:07,233 --> 00:11:08,734
All right, very abridged.
293
00:11:08,734 --> 00:11:11,237
I've been very busy penning the follow-up:
294
00:11:11,237 --> 00:11:14,740
The Dogbert Chronic Cubicle Syndrome Cure Diet.
295
00:11:14,740 --> 00:11:16,242
And what might that be?
296
00:11:16,242 --> 00:11:17,243
I'll give you a hint.
297
00:11:17,243 --> 00:11:18,244
It involves food.
298
00:11:24,750 --> 00:11:26,252
What's going on here?
299
00:11:26,252 --> 00:11:27,753
I'm shooting my infomercial.
300
00:11:27,753 --> 00:11:29,755
Infomercial? For what?
301
00:11:29,755 --> 00:11:32,258
Dogbert's secret juice formula.
302
00:11:32,258 --> 00:11:33,759
Many experts believe that the symptoms
303
00:11:33,759 --> 00:11:35,261
of chronic cubicle syndrome
304
00:11:35,261 --> 00:11:36,262
can be significantly reduced
305
00:11:36,262 --> 00:11:38,264
by drinking 14 to 28 glasses
306
00:11:38,264 --> 00:11:40,766
of my special secret juice formula each day.
307
00:11:40,766 --> 00:11:41,767
[SNIFFING]
308
00:11:41,767 --> 00:11:43,269
That smells like alcohol.
309
00:11:43,269 --> 00:11:45,771
Well, I'm not at liberty to reveal the ingredients.
310
00:11:45,771 --> 00:11:46,772
It's an info no-no.
311
00:11:46,772 --> 00:11:48,774
But of course, if people get drunk,
312
00:11:48,774 --> 00:11:50,276
they're not going to feel the effects
313
00:11:50,276 --> 00:11:51,777
of chronic cubicle syndrome,
314
00:11:51,777 --> 00:11:52,778
whatever it is.
315
00:11:52,778 --> 00:11:53,779
That's not bad.
316
00:11:53,779 --> 00:11:55,781
Would you mind doing a testimonial?
317
00:11:55,781 --> 00:11:57,283
Yes, I would mind.
318
00:11:58,784 --> 00:12:01,287
Did you get that?
319
00:12:04,790 --> 00:12:07,793
And since I started drinking Dogbert's secret juice formula,
320
00:12:07,793 --> 00:12:10,296
to combat the effects of chronic cubicle syndrome,
321
00:12:10,296 --> 00:12:11,297
I'm a changed man.
322
00:12:11,297 --> 00:12:13,299
Hey, what the--? How did he do that?
323
00:12:13,299 --> 00:12:15,301
It's all computer-generated.
324
00:12:15,301 --> 00:12:16,802
You're very telegenic.
325
00:12:16,802 --> 00:12:18,804
And, by the way, it works.
326
00:12:18,804 --> 00:12:21,807
Get Dogbert's secret juice formula today.
327
00:12:25,811 --> 00:12:27,813
Since when do YOU exercise?
328
00:12:27,813 --> 00:12:29,315
It's not exercise.
329
00:12:29,315 --> 00:12:30,816
It's dorkercise.
330
00:12:30,816 --> 00:12:32,818
I've never felt more alive.
331
00:12:32,818 --> 00:12:34,820
I've never heard of dorkercise.
332
00:12:34,820 --> 00:12:37,823
It's all in the Dogbert Chronic Cubicle Syndrome
333
00:12:37,823 --> 00:12:40,326
30 Days To A Smaller-Butted You WORKOUT VIDEO.
334
00:12:40,326 --> 00:12:41,827
Apparently, if you eat less
335
00:12:41,827 --> 00:12:43,329
and exercise two hours a day,
336
00:12:43,329 --> 00:12:44,830
you can lose the weight
337
00:12:44,830 --> 00:12:46,832
caused by chronic cubicle syndrome.
338
00:12:46,832 --> 00:12:48,834
If you exercise two hours a day and eat less,
339
00:12:48,834 --> 00:12:50,836
you'll lose weight without the video.
340
00:12:50,836 --> 00:12:53,339
No. This gets the cellulite too.
341
00:12:53,339 --> 00:12:55,341
It's completely different.
342
00:12:55,341 --> 00:12:56,342
Read the book.
343
00:12:58,844 --> 00:13:00,846
And sometimes, when I stay up late,
344
00:13:00,846 --> 00:13:02,348
I'm tired the next day.
345
00:13:02,348 --> 00:13:03,849
That could be serious.
346
00:13:03,849 --> 00:13:04,850
What else?
347
00:13:04,850 --> 00:13:06,352
When I don't eat,
348
00:13:06,352 --> 00:13:09,355
I feel an emptiness in my stomach.
349
00:13:09,355 --> 00:13:11,357
That's because your spine is out of alignment.
350
00:13:11,357 --> 00:13:13,359
It's chronic cubicle syndrome.
351
00:13:13,359 --> 00:13:14,860
I was afraid of that.
352
00:13:14,860 --> 00:13:16,362
You'll need one treatment a week
353
00:13:16,362 --> 00:13:17,863
until my boat is paid for.
354
00:13:17,863 --> 00:13:19,365
I hope it is not a big boat.
355
00:13:19,365 --> 00:13:20,366
Lie on your stomach.
356
00:13:22,868 --> 00:13:26,372
Now I'm going to straighten your spine until you cry.
357
00:13:26,372 --> 00:13:27,873
May I request anesthetics?
358
00:13:27,873 --> 00:13:29,375
I don't believe in those.
359
00:13:29,375 --> 00:13:31,377
Besides, you'll pass out from the pain
360
00:13:31,377 --> 00:13:32,878
in a few minutes anyway.
361
00:13:32,878 --> 00:13:37,883
Ow... Ow... Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
362
00:13:37,883 --> 00:13:40,386
[BONES CRACKING, SCREAMING]
363
00:13:40,386 --> 00:13:42,388
[CRYING]
364
00:13:43,889 --> 00:13:45,391
Dilbert!
365
00:13:46,892 --> 00:13:48,394
Dilbert!
366
00:13:48,394 --> 00:13:49,895
Oh, there you are.
367
00:13:49,895 --> 00:13:51,397
Now you look for me.
368
00:13:51,397 --> 00:13:53,399
No. Never mind that.
369
00:13:53,399 --> 00:13:54,400
Why were you playing games
370
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:55,401
when you were supposed
371
00:13:55,401 --> 00:13:57,403
to be coming up with a boffo product
372
00:13:57,403 --> 00:13:58,904
to combat chronic cubicle syndrome?
373
00:13:58,904 --> 00:14:00,406
I'll tell you why.
374
00:14:00,406 --> 00:14:02,908
Chronic cubicle syndrome doesn't exist.
375
00:14:02,908 --> 00:14:03,909
That's the holdup.
376
00:14:03,909 --> 00:14:06,412
How am I supposed to engineer a product
377
00:14:06,412 --> 00:14:07,913
for an imaginary condition?
378
00:14:07,913 --> 00:14:09,415
Poor Dilbert.
379
00:14:09,415 --> 00:14:12,418
You know, Dilbert, I've been around a long time,
380
00:14:12,418 --> 00:14:13,919
too long to count.
381
00:14:13,919 --> 00:14:15,921
One, two... aw, whatever.
382
00:14:15,921 --> 00:14:17,423
See? I told you.
383
00:14:17,423 --> 00:14:19,925
I've seen many people-- good people--
384
00:14:19,925 --> 00:14:21,927
felled by this dreaded disease.
385
00:14:21,927 --> 00:14:23,429
It's up to you, my boy.
386
00:14:23,429 --> 00:14:25,431
Gosh, I don't know.
387
00:14:25,431 --> 00:14:26,932
I'm all confused.
388
00:14:26,932 --> 00:14:28,434
That's the spirit.
389
00:14:28,434 --> 00:14:29,435
Don't do it for me.
390
00:14:29,435 --> 00:14:30,936
Do it for yourself.
391
00:14:30,936 --> 00:14:32,438
And, if you don't do it for yourself,
392
00:14:32,438 --> 00:14:33,939
at least do it,
393
00:14:33,939 --> 00:14:35,941
because you'll be fired if you don't.
394
00:14:35,941 --> 00:14:38,444
I call them Shockpants.
395
00:14:38,444 --> 00:14:41,447
They deliver a severe electric shock to the wearer
396
00:14:41,447 --> 00:14:43,449
any time his posture gets bad.
397
00:14:43,449 --> 00:14:45,451
And that will cure chronic cubicle syndrome?
398
00:14:45,451 --> 00:14:47,453
Well, if chronic cubicle syndrome existed,
399
00:14:47,453 --> 00:14:48,954
it would probably have something to do
400
00:14:48,954 --> 00:14:50,456
with your posture.
401
00:14:50,456 --> 00:14:52,958
We need to test this on someone.
402
00:14:52,958 --> 00:14:53,959
What did I miss?
403
00:14:53,959 --> 00:14:55,461
Can I help with anything?
404
00:14:57,963 --> 00:15:00,466
And this will help me with my posture?
405
00:15:02,968 --> 00:15:04,970
[SCREAMS]
406
00:15:04,970 --> 00:15:06,472
That straightened him out.
407
00:15:06,472 --> 00:15:07,973
Let's take this puppy to Marketing
408
00:15:07,973 --> 00:15:09,475
and get it in stores.
409
00:15:09,475 --> 00:15:12,978
We couldn't wait for Asok to GET bad posture,
410
00:15:12,978 --> 00:15:15,981
so I asked Dilbert to make this remote control
411
00:15:15,981 --> 00:15:17,983
to speed up the demonstration.
412
00:15:18,984 --> 00:15:20,986
[SCREAMS]
413
00:15:20,986 --> 00:15:22,988
I love it!
414
00:15:22,988 --> 00:15:24,990
It's a device for shocking interns.
415
00:15:24,990 --> 00:15:26,492
We can sell a billion of these.
416
00:15:26,492 --> 00:15:28,994
Actually, it's a cure for chronic cubicle syndrome,
417
00:15:28,994 --> 00:15:30,496
which doesn't exist,
418
00:15:30,496 --> 00:15:31,997
but we've managed to get past that.
419
00:15:31,997 --> 00:15:33,999
We don't want to sell cures for diseases.
420
00:15:33,999 --> 00:15:35,501
That's too much of a downer.
421
00:15:35,501 --> 00:15:37,503
We'll be painted with the same brush
422
00:15:37,503 --> 00:15:38,504
as that Jonas Salk guy.
423
00:15:38,504 --> 00:15:39,505
Okay by me.
424
00:15:39,505 --> 00:15:41,006
Let's forget the whole thing.
425
00:15:41,006 --> 00:15:43,008
You're not thinking like marketing people.
426
00:15:43,008 --> 00:15:44,510
Let's use our imaginations.
427
00:15:44,510 --> 00:15:46,011
Our what?
428
00:15:46,011 --> 00:15:48,013
You mean, let's use our IMAGINATIONS.
429
00:15:48,013 --> 00:15:49,515
Isn't that what I just said?
430
00:15:49,515 --> 00:15:51,517
Hmm. I guess it is.
431
00:15:51,517 --> 00:15:53,018
You know, those yellow sticky notes
432
00:15:53,018 --> 00:15:54,520
were invented by accident.
433
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:55,521
So was the space shuttle.
434
00:15:55,521 --> 00:15:57,022
Exactly!
435
00:15:57,022 --> 00:15:59,525
How can we turn this huge mistake
436
00:15:59,525 --> 00:16:00,526
by an engineer
437
00:16:00,526 --> 00:16:02,528
into a victory by marketing?
438
00:16:02,528 --> 00:16:04,029
I've got it!
439
00:16:04,029 --> 00:16:06,532
We'll market them as a line of casual wear for business.
440
00:16:06,532 --> 00:16:09,535
It worked with Dockers. It can work for "Shockers."
441
00:16:09,535 --> 00:16:11,036
I'd like to go on record...
442
00:16:11,036 --> 00:16:12,037
Uh... ooh... um...
443
00:16:12,037 --> 00:16:14,540
Don't make your mistake any worse.
444
00:16:14,540 --> 00:16:16,041
We're just lucky
445
00:16:16,041 --> 00:16:18,043
these marketing people were here
446
00:16:18,043 --> 00:16:19,545
to pull our fat out of the fire.
447
00:16:21,046 --> 00:16:22,548
May I see that for a moment?
448
00:16:24,550 --> 00:16:26,051
[music]
449
00:16:27,052 --> 00:16:31,056
[BUZZING, SCREAMING]
450
00:16:31,056 --> 00:16:33,058
TV ANNOUNCER: In the news,
451
00:16:33,058 --> 00:16:35,060
even as claims of chronic cubicle syndrome
452
00:16:35,060 --> 00:16:36,061
continue to rise,
453
00:16:36,061 --> 00:16:37,563
as every drone with the sniffles
454
00:16:37,563 --> 00:16:39,565
is convinced he has it,
455
00:16:39,565 --> 00:16:41,066
the sales of Shockpants are soaring,
456
00:16:41,066 --> 00:16:43,068
thanks to new corporate dress codes
457
00:16:43,068 --> 00:16:44,570
that make them mandatory.
458
00:16:44,570 --> 00:16:47,072
You might say workers are dressed for "shockcess."
459
00:16:47,072 --> 00:16:48,574
[SCREAMS]
460
00:16:48,574 --> 00:16:51,076
I get it, I get it. No more making up words.
461
00:16:51,076 --> 00:16:55,080
The success of Shockpants comes despite widespread reports
462
00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:58,584
of seared flesh and spontaneous human combustion.
463
00:16:58,584 --> 00:17:01,086
If you ask me, it's all rather "shocking."
464
00:17:01,086 --> 00:17:03,088
[SCREAMS]
465
00:17:03,088 --> 00:17:06,091
And now for an editorial from our station general manager.
466
00:17:06,091 --> 00:17:09,094
Besieged by pseudoscience once again,
467
00:17:09,094 --> 00:17:11,597
we now find ourselves
468
00:17:11,597 --> 00:17:13,599
in the grips of yet another bogus claim
469
00:17:13,599 --> 00:17:17,102
designed to strike fear in hardworking people
470
00:17:17,102 --> 00:17:20,105
even as it fleeces their meager savings accounts.
471
00:17:20,105 --> 00:17:21,106
Chronic cubicle--
472
00:17:21,106 --> 00:17:22,608
[SCREAMS]
473
00:17:22,608 --> 00:17:23,609
This is crazy.
474
00:17:23,609 --> 00:17:25,110
People are tired,
475
00:17:25,110 --> 00:17:26,612
weary, bored, and depressed
476
00:17:26,612 --> 00:17:28,113
after a hard day's work
477
00:17:28,113 --> 00:17:30,115
day in, day out, year after year,
478
00:17:30,115 --> 00:17:33,118
in endless dead-end job after endless dead-end job
479
00:17:33,118 --> 00:17:35,120
with no future and no hope.
480
00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:36,622
That's natural.
481
00:17:36,622 --> 00:17:39,124
It's completely appropriate to feel that way.
482
00:17:39,124 --> 00:17:40,626
How else should you feel?
483
00:17:40,626 --> 00:17:43,629
If you felt GOOD after that soul-crunching experience,
484
00:17:43,629 --> 00:17:44,630
that WOULD BE SICK.
485
00:17:44,630 --> 00:17:47,633
Chronic cubicle syndrome is just life!
486
00:17:47,633 --> 00:17:49,134
You should have thought of that
487
00:17:49,134 --> 00:17:51,637
before your rip-off cure started killing so many people.
488
00:17:51,637 --> 00:17:52,638
It was marketing's idea
489
00:17:52,638 --> 00:17:54,139
to turn up the voltage
490
00:17:54,139 --> 00:17:55,140
on the new models.
491
00:17:55,140 --> 00:17:56,141
I argued against it.
492
00:17:56,141 --> 00:17:57,643
So it's NOT your fault.
493
00:17:57,643 --> 00:18:00,145
No one could think it was.
494
00:18:00,145 --> 00:18:01,647
BOSS: It's Dilbert's fault!
495
00:18:01,647 --> 00:18:03,148
I tried to stop him.
496
00:18:03,148 --> 00:18:07,152
I thank the man upstairs that we live in a country
497
00:18:07,152 --> 00:18:08,654
where the corporations
498
00:18:08,654 --> 00:18:10,656
can reap the profits from a death machine
499
00:18:10,656 --> 00:18:12,658
and, through the use of loopholes and disclaimers,
500
00:18:12,658 --> 00:18:16,161
not be liable when the lawsuits start flooding in.
501
00:18:16,161 --> 00:18:17,663
Well, then who IS liable?
502
00:18:17,663 --> 00:18:19,164
Well, YOU are.
503
00:18:19,164 --> 00:18:20,165
Me?
504
00:18:20,165 --> 00:18:21,667
You invented the blasted thing.
505
00:18:21,667 --> 00:18:24,169
Then why haven't I earned any royalties?
506
00:18:24,169 --> 00:18:25,671
Because you don't own the patent.
507
00:18:25,671 --> 00:18:27,172
Well, then, how can I be liable?
508
00:18:27,172 --> 00:18:30,175
Well, you see, Dilbert, technically,
509
00:18:30,175 --> 00:18:34,680
in this instance, you're an independent contractor.
510
00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:35,681
I am?
511
00:18:35,681 --> 00:18:37,182
Read the fine print.
512
00:18:37,182 --> 00:18:39,184
"In the event that profits are realized by said invention,
513
00:18:39,184 --> 00:18:42,187
"the independent contractor is defined as 'the sucker.'
514
00:18:42,187 --> 00:18:45,190
"In the event that anything goes wrong with said invention,
515
00:18:45,190 --> 00:18:48,193
the independent contractor is defined as 'the scapegoat.'"
516
00:18:48,193 --> 00:18:50,195
Is there anything you'd like to say
517
00:18:50,195 --> 00:18:51,697
before we hang you out to dry?
518
00:18:51,697 --> 00:18:53,699
Can I make a phone call?
519
00:19:00,706 --> 00:19:03,208
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
520
00:19:03,208 --> 00:19:04,710
Yes?
521
00:19:04,710 --> 00:19:06,712
I'm so nervous to meet you
522
00:19:06,712 --> 00:19:08,714
in person, Mr. Dogbert.
523
00:19:08,714 --> 00:19:10,215
I'm your biggest fan.
524
00:19:10,215 --> 00:19:13,218
May I have some eye contact?
525
00:19:13,218 --> 00:19:14,720
I've waited two hours.
526
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:16,221
Please, just one eye.
527
00:19:16,221 --> 00:19:18,724
The only way to escape from a bad idea
528
00:19:18,724 --> 00:19:20,726
is with an even worse idea.
529
00:19:20,726 --> 00:19:21,727
You're welcome.
530
00:19:21,727 --> 00:19:23,729
Using the same studies and data,
531
00:19:23,729 --> 00:19:26,732
we could announce that chronic cubicle syndrome
532
00:19:26,732 --> 00:19:27,733
never really existed.
533
00:19:27,733 --> 00:19:30,235
It was a statistical aberration.
534
00:19:30,235 --> 00:19:31,737
Then, if I could come up
535
00:19:31,737 --> 00:19:34,239
with an even better market for Shockpants,
536
00:19:34,239 --> 00:19:36,241
would you let me off the hook?
537
00:19:36,241 --> 00:19:37,242
Would they still kill people?
538
00:19:37,242 --> 00:19:39,745
Because I got to tell you, I never laughed so hard.
539
00:19:39,745 --> 00:19:41,246
We can turn the voltage down,
540
00:19:41,246 --> 00:19:42,748
and then we can market them
541
00:19:42,748 --> 00:19:43,749
to a different group.
542
00:19:43,749 --> 00:19:45,250
It's all about marketing.
543
00:19:45,250 --> 00:19:46,251
He's correct.
544
00:19:46,251 --> 00:19:48,253
Isn't everything?
545
00:19:49,254 --> 00:19:50,756
This is beautiful.
546
00:19:50,756 --> 00:19:52,758
You have one at home just like it.
547
00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:56,261
[SCREAMS]
548
00:19:56,261 --> 00:19:57,763
Who will tell me
549
00:19:57,763 --> 00:20:00,265
who was the first president of the United States?
550
00:20:00,265 --> 00:20:02,267
Your mother?
551
00:20:02,267 --> 00:20:03,268
[SCREAMS]
552
00:20:13,278 --> 00:20:16,281
[ALL SCREAMING]
553
00:20:16,281 --> 00:20:19,785
I'm happy to report that sales of the Shockpants
554
00:20:19,785 --> 00:20:21,286
are once again zooming.
555
00:20:21,286 --> 00:20:24,289
I guess we all know who gets the credit.
556
00:20:24,289 --> 00:20:25,791
Don't tell me.
557
00:20:25,791 --> 00:20:27,793
It's the guys in Marketing.
558
00:20:27,793 --> 00:20:28,794
No, but good guess.
559
00:20:28,794 --> 00:20:29,795
Is it you?
560
00:20:29,795 --> 00:20:31,296
As much as I deserve it, no.
561
00:20:31,296 --> 00:20:33,799
The credit goes to my boss's boss's boss
562
00:20:33,799 --> 00:20:36,301
who none of us have ever met and never will.
563
00:20:36,301 --> 00:20:38,804
Credit travels up, blame travels down.
564
00:20:38,804 --> 00:20:40,806
It's like drinking beer from a straw,
565
00:20:40,806 --> 00:20:42,307
if you know what I mean.
566
00:20:42,307 --> 00:20:43,809
I don't know what you mean.
567
00:20:43,809 --> 00:20:45,811
Me neither. It's something I once heard.
568
00:20:45,811 --> 00:20:47,813
Although I have been completely hosed
569
00:20:47,813 --> 00:20:49,815
on the profits of my invention,
570
00:20:49,815 --> 00:20:51,316
at least we can finally agree
571
00:20:51,316 --> 00:20:52,818
that chronic cubicle syndrome
572
00:20:52,818 --> 00:20:54,820
doesn't exist and never did.
573
00:20:54,820 --> 00:20:56,321
Are you nuts?
574
00:20:56,321 --> 00:20:58,323
Just look at the size of my butt.
575
00:20:58,323 --> 00:21:01,326
The Dogbert exercise program really works.
576
00:21:01,326 --> 00:21:02,828
And look at this muscle tone
577
00:21:02,828 --> 00:21:05,330
since I started drinking that juice.
578
00:21:05,330 --> 00:21:07,833
I'm not loud anymore!
579
00:21:11,336 --> 00:21:13,338
It'll take 24 sessions, minimum.
580
00:21:13,338 --> 00:21:15,841
Can you give me all 24 today? I'm in a hurry.
581
00:21:15,841 --> 00:21:18,844
Well, I do want to put an addition on my house.
582
00:21:20,345 --> 00:21:22,347
BOSS: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
583
00:21:22,347 --> 00:21:24,850
[CRYING]
584
00:21:28,854 --> 00:21:30,856
He's stronger than he looks.
585
00:21:30,856 --> 00:21:32,357
Hi. How are you?
586
00:21:32,357 --> 00:21:34,359
What are you staring at?
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