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[ORCHESTRA TUNING]
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Last time on Dilbert!
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I've programmed this to find any trace of life,
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gather samples,
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and return directly to me when it's done.
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Not yet!
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The unfertilized eggs are ready for implanting
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in the surrogate hillbilly.
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It's artificial nano-machine DNA.
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When do you expect it to return?
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The only thing I know for sure
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is that it will return in the end.
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[SCREAMS]
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In a word, he's... pregnant.
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Knocked up?
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You'll tell him when he wakes up, won't you?
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Maybe in the third trimester.
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Your new health maintenance organization
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will be somewhat less robust than the old one.
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How much less?
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They operate out of an Italian restaurant.
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I need to see a doctor,
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or at least a waiter, right away.
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Don't move.
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I will make a sound wave,
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and Juan will create a picture from the sonic signature.
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[SONAR PINGING]
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What's in there?!
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Sweet mother of God!
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Don't you think you're overreacting a little?
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Gaah!
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And now for our opening title sequence!
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Everyone, sing along!
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[EXPLOSION]
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[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
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Are you telling me this IS WHAT'S INSIDE ME?
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Oh...
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The ultrasound never lies.
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That's not ultrasound!
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Your busboy drew this sketch
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while you made booping sounds at my stomach.
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If you are not satisfied, I can take it off your bill.
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Let me speak with the manager.
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I'm sorry, but I don't believe my baby is a bowl of fruit.
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And a carefully draped tablecloth.
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I want a second opinion.
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How about a seascape
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with light coming through a wave?
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Very beautiful.
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I demand to see an actual doctor!
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Your health plan doesn't cover that,
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but I can offer you fresh ground pepper
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warmed to body temperature under my arm.
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Great. I have an unidentified baby in me,
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and my health care plan doesn't include health care.
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Maybe you should sell your story to the tabloids.
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I could never stoop so low.
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Here's a woman who gave birth to 25 babies,
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each one the size of a peanut.
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They gave her a million dollars.
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And a cigar box to use as a nursery.
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I don't need their money.
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I still have a job.
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I have savings.
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For now.
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So I understand I'm gonna be an uncle.
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Unless it's a girl, then I'll be an aunt.
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Shouldn't you be swimming in the sewer or something?
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I'm taking a shortcut.
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So you're basically a pregnant woman.
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I hope you won't treat me any differently.
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Would you mind buying the cake for Asok's birthday celebration?
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I don't mind.
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I suddenly enjoy shopping for pastries,
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but back to my point:
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I don't want to be treated any differently.
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Perish the thought.
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By the way, would you mind planning
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our next off-site staff meeting?
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I'll do it, but only because I want it done right.
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Well, that's the same reason Alice always gives.
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[CHUCKLES]
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[COUGHING] Sucker!
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I think we should talk about maternity leave.
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I ever tell you about the woman who had 25 babies,
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each one the size of a peanut?
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I fired her before she delivered.
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You can't fire someone for being pregnant.
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That's against the law.
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It was strictly for safety reasons.
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I was afraid she'd go into labor
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and start spraying those babies like a Tommy gun.
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Someone could have lost an eye.
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That is discrimination!
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Don't get your oversized panties in a bunch, Dilberta.
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You got a good month before your performance goes all to hell
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and I fire you.
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If I lose my job, how will I afford this baby?
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You should've thought of that
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before you became a FREAK OF NATURE.
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My work will not be affected by this pregnancy.
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No one here will even know about it
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unless you tell them.
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I'll try to hold it in.
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[GRUNTING]
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[STRANGLED GASPING]
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[BLUBBERING]
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It's like holding in a sneeze.
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I'm gonna break a rib.
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Can I tell one person? Just one?
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Well, if it hurts that bad,
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I guess one person would be okay.
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LOUD HOWARD: What?
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Dilbert's having a baby?!
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Did you see the new coffee mugs?
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The skywriters spelled your name wrong,
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but everyone knew what they meant.
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If you give birth to a hideous alien creature,
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would you name it Wally?
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Why do you want a hideous creature named after you?
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Some day, I want to turn on the news and hear,
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"Wally destroys a small town, National Guard helpless."
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If it's a girl monster, name it Alice.
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It's not a monster.
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It's either an alien or a cow or a robot
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or a hillbilly or an engineer.
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Any one of those could destroy a town.
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Not the cow.
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If the cow was part alien, it could.
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Well, maybe if it shot fire out of its nostrils.
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Stop talking about my baby that way.
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Please, leave me alone.
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All right.
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I have to go plan the off-site meeting anyway.
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Um... actually, our pointy-haired boss
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asked me to do it this year.
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You're horning in on my turf?
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Catfight.
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My money's on the pink one.
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We're not going to fight.
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We're going to collaborate
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and support each other like sisters
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in this bastion of testosterone.
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Yes, that's right.
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We are.
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Nice dress, Dilbert.
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I love what you're doing with your hair, Alice.
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Witch.
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Tramp.
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DILBERT: Are you telling me
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the company has no maternity leave program?
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Well, we believe that maternity benefits
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encourage unwed fathers to get pregnant.
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That is ridiculous!
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Oh-ho-ho, is it?
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People die of old age
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so they can collect life insurance.
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Explain that.
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That's your argument?
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That doesn't even make sense.
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Hmm.
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Mm-hmm.
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I'd offer you some, but I'm selfish.
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[LAUGHING]
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No wonder you're loopy.
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That stuff will rot your brain.
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Oh...
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You know, Dilbert, as much as I love
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solving employee problems...
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I like making this noise even better.
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[LAUGHING WICKEDLY]
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Wow, man!
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That is some... thank you.
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[LOOPY HUMMING]
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So you're saying I'll receive no maternity benefits.
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Mm-hm. Excuse me while I run back and forth for no reason.
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[PANTING]
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Aah!
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I'll tell you what.
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If you can squeeze out the little mutant
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during your coffee break,
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I won't dock your pay.
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[LAUGHING]
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I like my chances.
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So, what's your story?
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WOMAN: Listen up.
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I need someone to play
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an angry quadrasexual for a 2:00 taping.
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You, report to Studio Triple-F.
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Okay, I need cousins who plan to marry.
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Studio C.
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And lastly, huge men who look like women
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and date tiny women who look like men
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but are used as handbags.
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That's all for today.
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Uh, excuse me.
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I'm having a baby.
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The hospital's one street over.
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No, I mean, it would be a good topic for a show.
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People have babies all the time.
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What's your hook?
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I'm a man.
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That's not enough. What else you got?
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Uh... the baby might be an alien
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or a robot or a cow or a hillbilly or an engineer.
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Dime a dozen.
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Do your friends think you dress too sexy?
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Uh... no one has mentioned it.
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If your mother steals your boyfriend, call me.
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DILBERT: Can you help me publish
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a book about my pregnancy?
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I need the money.
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Are you willing to wear a hidden microphone
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and incriminate your friends?
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My only friend is Dogbert.
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Dogbert is your friend?
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Why didn't you say so?
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You know him?
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We worked together
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during the Watergate scandal
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when his code name was Deep Throat.
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Don't tell him I mentioned that.
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About my book?
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I'll help you, but first we need to stir the pot.
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"Stir the pot"?
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What you have is a little story.
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We need to whip it into a big story.
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How do we do that?
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Follow me.
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We'd like to see Mr. Big.
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He doesn't take visitors.
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We're friends of Dogbert.
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Go right in.
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MAN: How much NEWS CAN YOU AFFORD?
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We want a standard seed story.
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You get 10% of the back end.
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Sounds fair.
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What's a seed story?
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I apologize for him.
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He was raised in a hollow tree.
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A seed story is one that will grow
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into a media frenzy once it has been planted.
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Then the media frenzy replaces the original story
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and becomes the bigger story.
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That's how we manufacture the news.
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But my story is real.
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I'm a pregnant man who doesn't know
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who the genetic mother and father are.
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That's news.
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No, that's just a fascinating FACT.
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It isn't news until we say it is.
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Shall we stir the pot?
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Now back to you-- insert name-- in the studio.
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Clear.
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We have a pregnant man, genetic parents unknown.
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I want total saturation.
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Let's do it up right.
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Tonight on Primeline.
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The case of the pregnant man.
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Who are the real genetic parents?
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Aliens? Hillbillies?
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Robots? Cows or engineers?
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Tonight, we take you to meet this curious man
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in a story we call:
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A Womb With A Stew.
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And you've heard about this guy?
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Well, he's sort of a guy
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and he's reportedly a surrogate mother
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for an alien-hillbilly, robot-engineer-cow baby.
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What? Wow!
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Michael Jackson already has an order in for three of them.
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[LAUGHING]
273
00:12:04,790 --> 00:12:05,791
Part cow, part engineer.
274
00:12:05,791 --> 00:12:07,793
Do you think it'll spend a lot of nights
275
00:12:07,793 --> 00:12:09,795
surfing the Internet and milking itself?
276
00:12:09,795 --> 00:12:11,297
[LAUGHTER]
277
00:12:13,299 --> 00:12:14,300
MAN: Hey, there he is.
278
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:17,803
Leave us alone. Leave us alone!
279
00:12:17,803 --> 00:12:18,804
How's that?
280
00:12:18,804 --> 00:12:20,306
Very convincing.
281
00:12:20,306 --> 00:12:21,807
ANCHORMAN: Who is Dilbert,
282
00:12:21,807 --> 00:12:24,810
and how will neighbors take to an alien in their midst?
283
00:12:24,810 --> 00:12:25,811
Americans are asking...
284
00:12:25,811 --> 00:12:27,313
What's going on?
285
00:12:27,313 --> 00:12:28,814
Just have a seat.
286
00:12:28,814 --> 00:12:30,316
And put this on.
287
00:12:30,316 --> 00:12:32,318
ANCHORMAN: ...alien's daddy. Dilbert, can an alien baby...
288
00:12:32,318 --> 00:12:35,321
But he's already asking the questions.
289
00:12:35,321 --> 00:12:37,323
This is how it's done.
290
00:12:37,323 --> 00:12:38,824
They'll get your side later.
291
00:12:38,824 --> 00:12:40,826
This brings up the obvious question:
292
00:12:40,826 --> 00:12:43,329
What are your feelings about the upcoming
293
00:12:43,329 --> 00:12:45,831
landmark custody battle over your unborn?
294
00:12:45,831 --> 00:12:46,832
Custody battle?
295
00:12:46,832 --> 00:12:48,334
There's no custody battle.
296
00:12:48,334 --> 00:12:49,835
There will be tomorrow.
297
00:12:49,835 --> 00:12:51,837
Join us tomorrow on Primeline
298
00:12:51,837 --> 00:12:54,340
when we begin gavel-to-gavel coverage
299
00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:56,842
of the fetus custody battle of the century
300
00:12:56,842 --> 00:12:57,843
in a story we call:
301
00:12:57,843 --> 00:13:00,846
It's A Womb-derful Strife.
302
00:13:00,846 --> 00:13:04,850
I'm already casting the miniseries in my head.
303
00:13:04,850 --> 00:13:06,852
I don't know if you can hear me in there.
304
00:13:06,852 --> 00:13:08,854
Studies have been inconclusive.
305
00:13:08,854 --> 00:13:10,856
Unfortunately,
306
00:13:10,856 --> 00:13:12,858
you're the only one I can talk to right now.
307
00:13:12,858 --> 00:13:14,860
Don't take this the wrong way,
308
00:13:14,860 --> 00:13:17,363
but I don't mind losing the custody battle.
309
00:13:17,363 --> 00:13:20,366
I'm not exactly qualified to be a parent.
310
00:13:20,366 --> 00:13:22,368
I'm more than happy to let you go
311
00:13:22,368 --> 00:13:24,370
to a better home with real parents,
312
00:13:24,370 --> 00:13:26,872
but if custody is awarded to the wrong people--
313
00:13:26,872 --> 00:13:27,873
and there are plenty of those--
314
00:13:27,873 --> 00:13:29,375
I'll protect you
315
00:13:29,375 --> 00:13:31,377
with everything I've got, little guy.
316
00:13:31,377 --> 00:13:33,879
If you agree, kick twice.
317
00:13:33,879 --> 00:13:37,383
If you disagree, kick just once.
318
00:13:37,383 --> 00:13:38,884
Ooh!
319
00:13:40,386 --> 00:13:41,387
Ooh!
320
00:13:48,394 --> 00:13:49,895
If you at home would like to vote
321
00:13:49,895 --> 00:13:51,397
on who you would prefer
322
00:13:51,397 --> 00:13:52,898
to be awarded custody of the mystery fetus,
323
00:13:52,898 --> 00:13:55,401
call 900-555-1234.
324
00:13:55,401 --> 00:13:56,402
Each call is $4.00.
325
00:13:56,402 --> 00:13:58,404
Proceeds will be donated to someone,
326
00:13:58,404 --> 00:14:00,406
but don't ask to see a receipt.
327
00:14:00,406 --> 00:14:02,908
I hope this doesn't become undignified.
328
00:14:02,908 --> 00:14:05,411
Please rise for the honorable...
329
00:14:05,411 --> 00:14:10,416
[LIKE WWF ANNOUNCER] Judge "Stone Cold" Steve Austin!
330
00:14:12,918 --> 00:14:15,421
[AUDIENCE WHOOPING AND CHEERING]
331
00:14:23,929 --> 00:14:25,931
[CHEERING AND WHOOPING CONTINUE]
332
00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:38,444
[YELLING]
333
00:14:38,444 --> 00:14:40,946
Since when did Stone Cold become a judge?
334
00:14:40,946 --> 00:14:43,949
Both sides waived their rights to an actual judge.
335
00:14:43,949 --> 00:14:45,451
We did?
336
00:14:45,451 --> 00:14:46,952
He's very big with the teen demographic.
337
00:14:46,952 --> 00:14:48,454
We'll get pickup on all the networks.
338
00:14:48,454 --> 00:14:49,955
What about justice?
339
00:14:49,955 --> 00:14:51,457
It didn't do well with the focus groups.
340
00:14:57,463 --> 00:14:58,464
Great.
341
00:15:00,466 --> 00:15:02,968
Austin 3:16 says, "Order in the court."
342
00:15:02,968 --> 00:15:05,971
Let's have opening arguments in the custody case
343
00:15:05,971 --> 00:15:09,475
of "Dilbert versus the aliens, robots, cows, hillbillies,
344
00:15:09,475 --> 00:15:11,477
a billionaire and 17 engineers."
345
00:15:11,477 --> 00:15:13,979
Your Honor, my clients demand custody
346
00:15:13,979 --> 00:15:15,981
of the baby in Dilbert's womb
347
00:15:15,981 --> 00:15:18,484
or stomach or upper colon.
348
00:15:18,484 --> 00:15:19,985
Wherever it is.
349
00:15:19,985 --> 00:15:20,986
They believe they can give it
350
00:15:20,986 --> 00:15:22,488
a more wholesome family life.
351
00:15:24,490 --> 00:15:26,992
They want to raise the child together?
352
00:15:26,992 --> 00:15:28,994
They make a very effective family unit.
353
00:15:28,994 --> 00:15:30,496
For one thing,
354
00:15:30,496 --> 00:15:31,997
he'll never want for milk,
355
00:15:31,997 --> 00:15:34,500
and you've got your alien technology
356
00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:36,001
for fighting diseases.
357
00:15:36,001 --> 00:15:39,004
You've got your billionaire's resources,
358
00:15:39,004 --> 00:15:42,007
your robots for domestic chores,
359
00:15:42,007 --> 00:15:46,512
and your hillbillies for... for... uh...
360
00:15:46,512 --> 00:15:48,514
If you've got a woodchucks problem,
361
00:15:48,514 --> 00:15:50,516
we'll kill 'em and cook 'em.
362
00:15:50,516 --> 00:15:52,518
Exactly, and 17 engineers to explain things,
363
00:15:52,518 --> 00:15:56,021
no matter how much you insist you don't need to know.
364
00:15:56,021 --> 00:15:58,524
If I may elaborate on that...
365
00:15:58,524 --> 00:16:01,527
[GASPING AND GROANING]
366
00:16:01,527 --> 00:16:03,028
You make a strong case,
367
00:16:03,028 --> 00:16:06,532
so let's begin the character assassination.
368
00:16:06,532 --> 00:16:09,535
Is it true you annihilated the planet of Nepular Five,
369
00:16:09,535 --> 00:16:14,039
a world inhabited entirely by teddy bears?
370
00:16:14,039 --> 00:16:15,541
[SPEAKING ALIEN TONGUE]
371
00:16:15,541 --> 00:16:17,042
Sometimes, in a meeting,
372
00:16:17,042 --> 00:16:19,545
Dilbert will pick up Asok, our intern,
373
00:16:19,545 --> 00:16:22,548
and just shake the bejesus out of him.
374
00:16:22,548 --> 00:16:25,551
So you admit that you chew cud.
375
00:16:25,551 --> 00:16:27,052
[PLAINTIVE MOOING]
376
00:16:30,055 --> 00:16:31,557
All I'm saying is
377
00:16:31,557 --> 00:16:34,560
that when we collect money to buy someone a birthday card,
378
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:37,563
it always comes back lighter after Dilbert has the envelope.
379
00:16:37,563 --> 00:16:39,064
I've heard enough.
380
00:16:39,064 --> 00:16:41,567
I'm prepared to award custody to the freaks.
381
00:16:41,567 --> 00:16:45,070
Wait. I haven't had a chance to speak on my own behalf.
382
00:16:45,070 --> 00:16:47,072
We have two more minutes, Stone Cold.
383
00:16:47,072 --> 00:16:49,074
You've got two minutes.
384
00:16:49,074 --> 00:16:51,076
I'll put plan B into motion.
385
00:16:51,076 --> 00:16:54,079
At first, I felt I was nothing more than luggage
386
00:16:54,079 --> 00:16:55,080
for the fetus inside me,
387
00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:56,081
but over time
388
00:16:56,081 --> 00:16:58,584
I've developed feelings for this baby.
389
00:16:58,584 --> 00:17:00,085
I didn't understand them at first,
390
00:17:00,085 --> 00:17:01,086
but now I know
391
00:17:01,086 --> 00:17:03,589
they are feelings of motherly love.
392
00:17:03,589 --> 00:17:05,591
[LAUGHING]
393
00:17:05,591 --> 00:17:06,091
Ow!
394
00:17:09,094 --> 00:17:12,598
My only goal is to do what's best for this baby.
395
00:17:12,598 --> 00:17:15,100
Maybe that means I don't raise it myself,
396
00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:18,103
but I will never, ever turn my baby over to them.
397
00:17:18,103 --> 00:17:20,105
[GASPING]
398
00:17:20,105 --> 00:17:22,107
They don't care about this baby.
399
00:17:22,107 --> 00:17:25,110
They each have their own selfish motives.
400
00:17:25,110 --> 00:17:27,613
Whatever you decide, Judge Stone Cold,
401
00:17:27,613 --> 00:17:30,115
please use your wisdom and compassion
402
00:17:30,115 --> 00:17:31,617
in making your decision.
403
00:17:31,617 --> 00:17:35,120
Thank you.
404
00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:38,123
You want compassion, take your ass to church.
405
00:17:38,123 --> 00:17:40,626
Custody is awarded to the freaks,
406
00:17:40,626 --> 00:17:42,628
and that's the bottom line
407
00:17:42,628 --> 00:17:45,631
because Stone Cold said so.
408
00:17:48,133 --> 00:17:50,135
[ALL CHEERING]
409
00:17:50,135 --> 00:17:51,136
No!
410
00:17:57,643 --> 00:17:59,144
Never!
411
00:17:59,144 --> 00:18:00,145
Aaaah!
412
00:18:00,145 --> 00:18:01,146
Ooh.
413
00:18:14,159 --> 00:18:15,661
Ah, oh, boy!
414
00:18:15,661 --> 00:18:19,164
Ah, breathe, ah, ah, ah!
415
00:18:19,164 --> 00:18:20,165
[GROANS]
416
00:18:20,165 --> 00:18:21,667
[RHYTHMIC BREATHING]
417
00:18:21,667 --> 00:18:24,169
[GRUNTS]
418
00:18:24,169 --> 00:18:25,170
It's coming!
419
00:18:25,170 --> 00:18:27,172
I'm nine months early!
420
00:18:37,683 --> 00:18:40,686
[GROANING]
421
00:18:40,686 --> 00:18:41,687
Are we there yet?
422
00:18:41,687 --> 00:18:42,688
There it is.
423
00:18:51,196 --> 00:18:54,199
I think my water's gonna break.
424
00:18:54,199 --> 00:18:55,200
Oh!
425
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:56,702
There's a lot in there!
426
00:18:56,702 --> 00:18:58,704
BOTH: We're ready.
427
00:18:58,704 --> 00:18:59,204
[SPLASH]
428
00:19:00,706 --> 00:19:01,707
DILBERT: Ooh!
429
00:19:09,715 --> 00:19:11,216
[BURBLING]
430
00:19:12,718 --> 00:19:13,719
Ah.
431
00:19:23,228 --> 00:19:25,230
[SQUEAKS]
432
00:19:29,735 --> 00:19:31,737
[SIRENS APPROACHING]
433
00:19:42,247 --> 00:19:42,748
Hurry!
434
00:19:49,254 --> 00:19:52,257
If this works, you'll be safe and loved.
435
00:19:52,257 --> 00:19:54,259
[MOOS PLAINTIVELY]
436
00:20:12,277 --> 00:20:14,279
Wait!
437
00:20:14,279 --> 00:20:17,282
I'll give you a billion dollars for the baby.
438
00:20:17,282 --> 00:20:22,287
That's billion with a B?
439
00:20:22,287 --> 00:20:22,788
No!
440
00:20:33,298 --> 00:20:34,800
Oh, my.
441
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:36,802
Where did you send it, Dilbert?
442
00:20:36,802 --> 00:20:39,805
Think of it as a student exchange program, Mom.
443
00:20:39,805 --> 00:20:42,808
Did it look like you?
444
00:20:42,808 --> 00:20:45,310
In a lot of ways, it did.
445
00:20:59,324 --> 00:21:01,827
MAN: Ever since we sent our only child away
446
00:21:01,827 --> 00:21:04,830
when we thought our planet was to be destroyed,
447
00:21:04,830 --> 00:21:07,332
we have been so lonely.
448
00:21:07,332 --> 00:21:09,835
Who knew our planet would survive the cataclysm?
449
00:21:09,835 --> 00:21:12,838
The weather reports are never accurate.
450
00:21:12,838 --> 00:21:15,340
[ROCKET WHISTLING]
451
00:21:15,340 --> 00:21:16,842
[CRASH]
452
00:21:17,843 --> 00:21:19,344
Hmm.
453
00:21:19,344 --> 00:21:21,847
I wonder if that's the package from Dogbert.
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