1
00:00:04,070 --> 00:00:05,071
[CRASHING]
2
00:00:15,081 --> 00:00:17,584
How did I end up with all this obsolete equipment?
3
00:00:17,584 --> 00:00:19,085
It seems to multiply.
4
00:00:20,587 --> 00:00:21,588
Eh, eh, eh!
5
00:00:21,588 --> 00:00:24,591
Not in the recycling container!
6
00:00:24,591 --> 00:00:26,092
Recycling container?
7
00:00:26,092 --> 00:00:27,594
I thought it was my garbage can.
8
00:00:27,594 --> 00:00:31,097
No, it's a recycling container.
9
00:00:31,097 --> 00:00:32,599
No obsolete equipment.
10
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No food. No toenail clippings.
11
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No dead animals.
12
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I'm probably forgetting a few things.
13
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Well, fine.
14
00:00:39,105 --> 00:00:41,608
How do I throw away my obsolete equipment?
15
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There's a phone number you call.
16
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They come and take it away.
17
00:00:45,612 --> 00:00:46,613
What's the phone number?
18
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I wouldn't know.
19
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Who's "they"?
20
00:00:48,615 --> 00:00:51,618
My area of expertise is limited
21
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to what you can't put in the can,
22
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plus the certain knowledge
23
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that a phone number of some sort exists.
24
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Your new computer just arrived.
25
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Everything you owned this morning is junk.
26
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Thank you, Asok.
27
00:01:02,629 --> 00:01:04,631
And here's a modem for your troubles.
28
00:01:04,631 --> 00:01:08,635
What can I do with a 2400 bps modem?
29
00:01:08,635 --> 00:01:10,136
You can try to throw it away,
30
00:01:10,136 --> 00:01:12,138
but you need to know a secret phone number.
31
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I think it has a nine in it.
32
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So you have seen the secret number?
33
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No, but a lot of your unknown phone numbers
34
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have nines in them.
35
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I read that.
36
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MAN: Ow!
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What if I take some of this old stuff home
38
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and throw it away from there?
39
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That would be stealing from the company!
40
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How can you steal garbage?
41
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You could tuck it in your pants.
42
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Obsolete equipment isn't officially garbage
43
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until you call that phone number
44
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and they take it off our books!
45
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I hear everyone is dumping
46
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their obsolete equipment in here.
47
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Who told you that?
48
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They didn't give me their names.
49
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Why can't you be more like Wally?
50
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He's a problem solver.
51
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[EXPLOSION]
52
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[music]
53
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[CHANTING]
54
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[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
55
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If we can't figure out how to throw anything away,
56
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we're doomed to suffocate here in our own waste.
57
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I'm afraid of suffocating in waste!
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Well, get over it.
59
00:03:08,755 --> 00:03:10,256
Things are only going to get worse,
60
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until we're so cramped, we can't possibly do any work.
61
00:03:12,258 --> 00:03:13,760
You don't do any work now.
62
00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:16,262
But I depend on other people to be working.
63
00:03:16,262 --> 00:03:18,264
It's like a delicate ecosystem--
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You can't have all rabbits or all foxes.
65
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You need some of both.
66
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And to think I immigrated here
67
00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:26,272
for the wide-open spaces alluded to
68
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in folk songs and travel brochures.
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00:03:28,274 --> 00:03:30,777
Never have I felt so betrayed.
70
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Somewhere in the uncharted depths
71
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of this almost criminally mismanaged company
72
00:03:34,781 --> 00:03:36,783
there's got to be some extra space.
73
00:03:36,783 --> 00:03:38,284
Just one unoccupied cubicle
74
00:03:38,284 --> 00:03:40,787
where we can store our non-disposables,
75
00:03:40,787 --> 00:03:42,288
and I'm going to find it.
76
00:03:42,288 --> 00:03:44,290
It's Old Zeke.
77
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Actually, that's Young Zeke
78
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who takes really bad care of himself.
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Excuse me.
80
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Can I talk now?
81
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Yes! Of course.
82
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Excuse us. So sorry.
83
00:03:52,298 --> 00:03:55,301
They tell a story in the men's room
84
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of an unused cubicle.
85
00:03:56,803 --> 00:04:01,307
Empty, glistening, pristine.
86
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It shines under the fluorescent lights
87
00:04:03,309 --> 00:04:04,811
like a beacon of hope
88
00:04:04,811 --> 00:04:06,813
to those seeking extra storage space.
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00:04:06,813 --> 00:04:07,814
You are crazy,
90
00:04:07,814 --> 00:04:10,316
young man who takes really bad care of himself.
91
00:04:10,316 --> 00:04:11,818
That is crazy talk.
92
00:04:11,818 --> 00:04:13,319
Crazy, am I, intern?
93
00:04:13,319 --> 00:04:16,322
Well, grab your crap and follow me.
94
00:04:18,324 --> 00:04:20,326
[SCREAMING]
95
00:04:23,329 --> 00:04:26,332
Oh... Why did I do that?
96
00:04:26,332 --> 00:04:29,836
I guess I am crazy after all.
97
00:04:29,836 --> 00:04:32,338
Crazy and... unable to walk.
98
00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:36,342
Good call.
99
00:04:38,344 --> 00:04:39,846
According to the floor plan,
100
00:04:39,846 --> 00:04:42,348
it looks like there could be an unused cubicle
101
00:04:42,348 --> 00:04:43,850
just around the next bend.
102
00:04:49,355 --> 00:04:50,857
Look!
103
00:04:52,859 --> 00:04:53,860
Could it be?
104
00:04:53,860 --> 00:04:55,862
Zeke was right.
105
00:04:55,862 --> 00:04:57,864
The legends of the empty cubicle are true!
106
00:04:57,864 --> 00:04:59,866
It's pristine.
107
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This baby has never been used.
108
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And it's all ours.
109
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I claim this cubicle for engineering.
110
00:05:08,374 --> 00:05:10,877
Hey, wait a minute.
111
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We've gone in a circle.
112
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How could you not know
113
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there was an empty cubicle right next to you?
114
00:05:19,886 --> 00:05:22,388
I never had a reason to go in that direction.
115
00:05:22,388 --> 00:05:25,892
The important thing is that we found an empty cubicle!
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Shush! Keep it down!
117
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Be quiet.
118
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If he is not silenced,
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the secret of this precious cube will be revealed.
120
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I must sacrifice myself.
121
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[YELLING]
122
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[GAGGING]
123
00:05:38,905 --> 00:05:42,408
Hey, kids, what's all the noisilation about?
124
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Dilbish, nice tie.
125
00:05:43,910 --> 00:05:46,412
Howard, nice, uh, intern in your face.
126
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Ooh, what's this, a vacant cubicle?
127
00:05:49,916 --> 00:05:50,917
No. No! Uh-uh.
128
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Marketing could sure use the space
129
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for, uh, marketing stuff.
130
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It's ours!
131
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You know the rules.
132
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Empty cubicles are up for grabs.
133
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It's not empty.
134
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It belongs to, uh... the new guy.
135
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His name is, uh...
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Todd.
137
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And he's a new guy.
138
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Which explains why he's not here yet.
139
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Uh, being new and all.
140
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I haven't heard about this Todd fellow.
141
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He's an unbelievable guy.
142
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Totally unreal.
143
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No one has ever disliked him!
144
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Oh, right, right.
145
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Todd.
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T-O-D-D.
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Your enunciation leaves a lot to be desired.
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I thought you said "Todd."
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We did.
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If you had said "Todd" in the first place,
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we wouldn't be having this conversation.
152
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I apologize for our oversight.
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Todd. Old Todd.
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Good old Toddy. Toddo.
155
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Great guy. Love Todd.
156
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You tell Todd I dropped by to say hey.
157
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Oh, we will.
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Oh, that was close.
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My upper lip is moist with perspiration.
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Well, nice work, everybody.
161
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Where did you come up with the name Todd?
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From my mind, where I come up
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with everything I think and say.
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[HEAVY SIGH]
165
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Well, that's the last load of my obsolete equipment.
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It looks just like someone works here.
167
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I had a name plate made.
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Very nice!
169
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[WHISTLING]
170
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Is Todd in there?
171
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Todd! Todd!
172
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Where the heck are you, you devil?
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Everyone in marketing is talking about him.
174
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I hear he's amazing.
175
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I just had to meet him in person.
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Todd is away...
177
00:07:23,509 --> 00:07:25,511
on important business.
178
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That figures.
179
00:07:26,512 --> 00:07:29,515
While you two are lollygagging around,
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Todd's having important meetings
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00:07:31,017 --> 00:07:32,518
with important people.
182
00:07:32,518 --> 00:07:34,520
I don't know how he does it all.
183
00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:36,522
Oh, my, Todd.
184
00:07:36,522 --> 00:07:38,524
Look at all this.
185
00:07:38,524 --> 00:07:41,027
The man must be some sort of engineering genius.
186
00:07:41,027 --> 00:07:42,528
Why can't you two
187
00:07:42,528 --> 00:07:44,030
have this much equipment in your cubicles?
188
00:07:44,030 --> 00:07:47,033
It's not really the quantity of the equipment that matters.
189
00:07:47,033 --> 00:07:48,534
Yes, yes, you're right.
190
00:07:48,534 --> 00:07:50,036
Todd does seem to have
191
00:07:50,036 --> 00:07:53,039
those other intangible qualities as well--
192
00:07:53,039 --> 00:07:55,041
the kind that make women love him
193
00:07:55,041 --> 00:07:57,043
and men wish they were women.
194
00:07:57,043 --> 00:07:59,045
Although, I confess,
195
00:07:59,045 --> 00:08:03,549
I've wished that long before Todd burst on the scene.
196
00:08:03,549 --> 00:08:05,551
He's quite the miracle worker.
197
00:08:05,551 --> 00:08:07,553
Yes, so I'm told.
198
00:08:07,553 --> 00:08:09,055
So I'm told.
199
00:08:09,055 --> 00:08:12,058
Straw into gold, take your firstborn,
200
00:08:12,058 --> 00:08:13,559
that sort of thing.
201
00:08:13,559 --> 00:08:15,561
Uh-oh, wait a second. Hold the wire.
202
00:08:15,561 --> 00:08:18,064
That's Rumpelstiltskin, little dwarf bastard.
203
00:08:18,064 --> 00:08:19,565
We have work to do.
204
00:08:19,565 --> 00:08:21,567
Right! I'll see you two at the project meeting.
205
00:08:23,069 --> 00:08:25,071
Do you think anything bad can happen from this?
206
00:08:25,071 --> 00:08:27,573
I don't see how.
207
00:08:27,573 --> 00:08:31,577
And on that, I think we're all in agreement.
208
00:08:31,577 --> 00:08:33,079
On what?
209
00:08:33,079 --> 00:08:34,080
Haven't you been paying attention?
210
00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:35,581
Paying attention?
211
00:08:35,581 --> 00:08:37,583
You just walked in here, sat down, and said.
212
00:08:37,583 --> 00:08:39,585
"And on that, I think we're all in agreement."
213
00:08:39,585 --> 00:08:41,087
You're saying you don't agree?
214
00:08:41,087 --> 00:08:43,589
It's a difficult point to argue.
215
00:08:43,589 --> 00:08:46,592
Well, you should all thank Todd
216
00:08:46,592 --> 00:08:48,594
I don't fire you all on the spot.
217
00:08:48,594 --> 00:08:50,096
As the new project head,
218
00:08:50,096 --> 00:08:53,599
it'll be his responsibility to deal with you dunderheads.
219
00:08:53,599 --> 00:08:55,101
What?
220
00:08:55,101 --> 00:08:56,602
You're letting Todd head the project?
221
00:08:56,602 --> 00:08:57,603
He's Todd.
222
00:08:57,603 --> 00:08:59,105
You have a problem with that?
223
00:08:59,105 --> 00:09:00,106
Yes.
224
00:09:00,106 --> 00:09:01,107
Looks like I've put
225
00:09:01,107 --> 00:09:03,109
the fear of Todd in you now, haven't I?
226
00:09:03,109 --> 00:09:04,110
[CHUCKLING]
227
00:09:05,611 --> 00:09:06,612
Great.
228
00:09:06,612 --> 00:09:08,614
Now Todd is our project leader.
229
00:09:08,614 --> 00:09:11,117
That means we have to do his WORK PLUS OUR OWN WORK.
230
00:09:11,117 --> 00:09:12,618
Plus my work.
231
00:09:12,618 --> 00:09:14,120
Plus Wally's work, as usual.
232
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:15,621
That's a lot of work.
233
00:09:15,621 --> 00:09:17,623
But if we reveal Todd's nonexistence,
234
00:09:17,623 --> 00:09:19,125
we lose our spare cubicle.
235
00:09:19,125 --> 00:09:20,626
There's no way out.
236
00:09:20,626 --> 00:09:23,129
What would Todd do in a situation like this?
237
00:09:23,129 --> 00:09:24,630
There is no Todd!
238
00:09:24,630 --> 00:09:26,132
We made him up.
239
00:09:26,132 --> 00:09:28,134
I'm not so sure.
240
00:09:28,134 --> 00:09:30,136
He has a cubicle and a job.
241
00:09:30,136 --> 00:09:31,637
That's all I have and I exist.
242
00:09:31,637 --> 00:09:33,139
You don't exist.
243
00:09:33,139 --> 00:09:35,641
I'm probably a bad example.
244
00:09:35,641 --> 00:09:38,144
ALICE: You'll just have to wait.
245
00:09:38,144 --> 00:09:40,146
Todd gave us a six-hour lunch break today.
246
00:09:40,146 --> 00:09:42,648
He's allowed-- he's project head.
247
00:09:42,648 --> 00:09:44,650
It's in Todd's hands now.
248
00:09:44,650 --> 00:09:46,652
[BOTH LAUGHING]
249
00:09:46,652 --> 00:09:48,654
[ALL LAUGHING]
250
00:09:48,654 --> 00:09:50,656
[POWER SHUTS DOWN]
251
00:09:50,656 --> 00:09:51,657
Uh-oh.
252
00:09:51,657 --> 00:09:53,159
This could only mean one thing.
253
00:09:55,661 --> 00:09:58,664
Mr. Catbert, director of human resources,
254
00:09:58,664 --> 00:10:00,666
what brings you out of your lair?
255
00:10:00,666 --> 00:10:03,669
I understand you've been praising Todd.
256
00:10:03,669 --> 00:10:05,171
You could say that.
257
00:10:05,171 --> 00:10:07,673
His personnel folder is curiously empty--
258
00:10:07,673 --> 00:10:10,176
no photo, no work history.
259
00:10:10,176 --> 00:10:12,678
Hmm. Very, very suspicious.
260
00:10:12,678 --> 00:10:14,680
Uh, Todd works in mysterious ways.
261
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:16,682
He won't work at all
262
00:10:16,682 --> 00:10:18,184
if his file doesn't turn up soon.
263
00:10:18,184 --> 00:10:22,188
You see, I don't believe in Todd.
264
00:10:22,188 --> 00:10:24,190
You take that back.
265
00:10:24,190 --> 00:10:26,192
There is no Todd.
266
00:10:26,192 --> 00:10:29,695
Todd exists only in your minds.
267
00:10:29,695 --> 00:10:31,197
[GRUNTS]
268
00:10:31,197 --> 00:10:33,199
[GROANS]
269
00:10:33,199 --> 00:10:35,701
Where's your Todd now?
270
00:10:35,701 --> 00:10:36,702
Hmm?
271
00:10:36,702 --> 00:10:38,704
[EVIL LAUGHTER]
272
00:10:44,210 --> 00:10:45,211
[SNAPS FINGER]
273
00:10:47,213 --> 00:10:52,218
We need to give Todd a history and throw Catbert off the scent.
274
00:10:52,218 --> 00:10:54,720
I'm into the personnel database.
275
00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:57,223
"Create new employee record."
276
00:10:57,223 --> 00:10:58,724
We need a picture of him.
277
00:10:58,724 --> 00:11:00,726
Why don't we make a composite?
278
00:11:00,726 --> 00:11:01,727
Good idea.
279
00:11:05,231 --> 00:11:08,234
I'll morph our pictures and make Todd in our image.
280
00:11:12,238 --> 00:11:14,240
[SCREAMING] Oh, no!
281
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:14,740
[GASPING]
282
00:11:16,742 --> 00:11:18,744
We have seen the face of Todd.
283
00:11:18,744 --> 00:11:19,745
And he is us.
284
00:11:25,251 --> 00:11:27,253
According to your records,
285
00:11:27,253 --> 00:11:30,756
every one of your employees is rated "good."
286
00:11:30,756 --> 00:11:33,759
To be honest, I can't tell them apart most days.
287
00:11:33,759 --> 00:11:34,760
Hmm.
288
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:37,263
Doesn't that crush their motivation
289
00:11:37,263 --> 00:11:39,265
and eliminate their will to live?
290
00:11:39,265 --> 00:11:41,767
They do walk around with their shoulders drooped,
291
00:11:41,767 --> 00:11:44,770
but I assumed they weren't drinking enough milk.
292
00:11:44,770 --> 00:11:46,272
Well, that's all well and good,
293
00:11:46,272 --> 00:11:49,275
but we can have more fun with them than that.
294
00:11:49,275 --> 00:11:50,276
We can?
295
00:11:50,276 --> 00:11:52,778
We can punish them arbitrarily.
296
00:11:52,778 --> 00:11:54,280
We can do that?
297
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:57,783
We can if we make it look like a policy.
298
00:11:57,783 --> 00:12:00,286
The new policy is that all work groups
299
00:12:00,286 --> 00:12:04,290
must have a proper distribution of performance ratings.
300
00:12:04,290 --> 00:12:07,293
At least 20% of YOUR employees
301
00:12:07,293 --> 00:12:09,795
must be ranked in the lowest rating.
302
00:12:09,795 --> 00:12:12,298
You mean... unsatisfactory?
303
00:12:12,298 --> 00:12:13,299
Lower.
304
00:12:13,299 --> 00:12:14,300
Incompetent?
305
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:15,301
Lower, lower.
306
00:12:15,301 --> 00:12:16,802
You... mean...
307
00:12:16,802 --> 00:12:18,304
Exactly.
308
00:12:18,304 --> 00:12:21,307
If the beloved Todd is rated highest,
309
00:12:21,307 --> 00:12:23,809
followed by Dilbert and Alice...
310
00:12:23,809 --> 00:12:26,812
well, I think you see where I'm going.
311
00:12:29,315 --> 00:12:31,817
Can you give me a hint?
312
00:12:31,817 --> 00:12:35,821
Wally, I had to lower your performance rating
313
00:12:35,821 --> 00:12:37,823
from a solid "good"
314
00:12:37,823 --> 00:12:41,327
to our lowest rating, which is "retard."
315
00:12:41,327 --> 00:12:42,328
Retard?
316
00:12:42,328 --> 00:12:44,830
I know, it sounds harsh,
317
00:12:44,830 --> 00:12:48,334
perhaps even "politically incorrect,"
318
00:12:48,334 --> 00:12:51,337
But our new policy is to have a normal distribution
319
00:12:51,337 --> 00:12:52,838
of performance reviews,
320
00:12:52,838 --> 00:12:54,840
and with Todd taking the top spot,
321
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:58,344
well, it just wrecked the curve for the rest of you.
322
00:12:58,344 --> 00:12:59,845
I guess I'll get used to it.
323
00:12:59,845 --> 00:13:01,347
You will.
324
00:13:01,347 --> 00:13:03,349
But you'll do it somewhere else.
325
00:13:03,349 --> 00:13:05,351
It's company policy that I fire anyone
326
00:13:05,351 --> 00:13:06,852
who is at the lowest rating.
327
00:13:06,852 --> 00:13:09,855
The strange thing is that I suddenly feel motivated.
328
00:13:09,855 --> 00:13:11,357
Run along.
329
00:13:13,359 --> 00:13:15,861
ASOK: This is the greatest injustice
330
00:13:15,861 --> 00:13:17,363
there could ever be.
331
00:13:17,363 --> 00:13:18,864
Yes, sirree, Bob.
332
00:13:18,864 --> 00:13:19,865
We'll keep in touch.
333
00:13:19,865 --> 00:13:20,866
We will?
334
00:13:20,866 --> 00:13:22,368
No.
335
00:13:22,368 --> 00:13:24,370
I just say it to reduce the awkwardness.
336
00:13:24,370 --> 00:13:25,871
Well, so long.
337
00:13:25,871 --> 00:13:26,872
I'm a free man.
338
00:13:30,376 --> 00:13:31,377
This isn't right.
339
00:13:31,377 --> 00:13:32,878
If we hadn't created Todd,
340
00:13:32,878 --> 00:13:34,380
Wally would still have his job
341
00:13:34,380 --> 00:13:36,382
and we wouldn't have to be doing
342
00:13:36,382 --> 00:13:37,883
Todd's work plus our own.
343
00:13:37,883 --> 00:13:39,885
Todd must die.
344
00:13:39,885 --> 00:13:41,887
ALICE: We will kill Todd so dead
345
00:13:41,887 --> 00:13:42,888
that no one will ever know
346
00:13:42,888 --> 00:13:44,390
he existed in the first place.
347
00:13:44,390 --> 00:13:47,893
DILBERT: I'm not usually in favor of killing people,
348
00:13:47,893 --> 00:13:49,395
but this does seem justified.
349
00:13:49,395 --> 00:13:52,398
How do we kill someone who doesn't exist?
350
00:13:52,398 --> 00:13:53,399
Indirectly--
351
00:13:53,399 --> 00:13:55,401
We'll ruin his reputation.
352
00:13:55,401 --> 00:13:56,902
Todd is about to become
353
00:13:56,902 --> 00:13:59,905
the most incompetent project leader
354
00:13:59,905 --> 00:14:01,907
in the history of the world.
355
00:14:01,907 --> 00:14:04,910
DILBERT: Send an e-mail in Todd's name
356
00:14:04,910 --> 00:14:05,911
to all employees.
357
00:14:05,911 --> 00:14:07,413
Very good.
358
00:14:07,413 --> 00:14:09,415
What's the worst product idea in the world?
359
00:14:09,415 --> 00:14:11,917
How about that Face-lift In A Can product
360
00:14:11,917 --> 00:14:13,419
we introduced about five years ago?
361
00:14:13,419 --> 00:14:14,920
The one that shrunk your head
362
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:16,422
to the size of a grapefruit.
363
00:14:16,422 --> 00:14:17,423
Perfect.
364
00:14:17,423 --> 00:14:19,425
Todd is going to suggest
365
00:14:19,425 --> 00:14:21,927
reintroducing Face-lift In A Can.
366
00:14:21,927 --> 00:14:24,930
His reputation will surely be ruined.
367
00:14:24,930 --> 00:14:28,434
BOSS: E-mail from Todd.
368
00:14:28,434 --> 00:14:31,437
Face-lift In A Can?
369
00:14:31,437 --> 00:14:34,440
That just might work.
370
00:14:35,941 --> 00:14:37,443
Try it, dude.
371
00:14:37,443 --> 00:14:38,944
If you don't, you're a loser.
372
00:14:38,944 --> 00:14:40,946
Can't we just get something pierced
373
00:14:40,946 --> 00:14:42,448
like an eyebrow or something?
374
00:14:42,448 --> 00:14:45,951
What if it makes my head tiny for the rest of my life?
375
00:14:45,951 --> 00:14:46,952
Shaa!
376
00:14:46,952 --> 00:14:48,954
Piercing is so passe.
377
00:14:48,954 --> 00:14:50,456
Shrunken heads is in.
378
00:14:50,456 --> 00:14:51,457
Do me first.
379
00:14:55,961 --> 00:14:57,463
Cool. Cool.
380
00:14:57,463 --> 00:14:58,964
Okay, do me.
381
00:15:01,967 --> 00:15:03,969
All right. Yeah.
382
00:15:03,969 --> 00:15:05,471
Lookin' fine.
383
00:15:05,471 --> 00:15:06,972
It's unbelievable.
384
00:15:06,972 --> 00:15:08,974
Just unbelievable.
385
00:15:08,974 --> 00:15:10,476
I'm dumbfounded.
386
00:15:10,476 --> 00:15:11,977
And flummoxed.
387
00:15:11,977 --> 00:15:13,979
And...
388
00:15:13,979 --> 00:15:14,980
Thursday.
389
00:15:14,980 --> 00:15:17,483
Well, I guess that's the end of Todd.
390
00:15:17,483 --> 00:15:18,984
Yep, or it would be,
391
00:15:18,984 --> 00:15:20,486
if it wasn't for the fact
392
00:15:20,486 --> 00:15:22,988
that it's the biggest success the company's ever had.
393
00:15:22,988 --> 00:15:24,490
What?
394
00:15:24,490 --> 00:15:29,495
Would anyone like to join me in praising Todd?
395
00:15:31,997 --> 00:15:35,000
Face-lift In A Can is our NEW flagship product.
396
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:37,503
We have a hundred-percent market share
397
00:15:37,503 --> 00:15:40,005
in first-week sales of one billion dollars,
398
00:15:40,005 --> 00:15:42,007
which, I have it on good authority,
399
00:15:42,007 --> 00:15:45,010
is more than a million and less than a skillion.
400
00:15:45,010 --> 00:15:47,012
Oh, no. That can't be right.
401
00:15:47,012 --> 00:15:50,516
Apparently, head shrinking is the NEW "in" thing
402
00:15:50,516 --> 00:15:54,019
kids enjoy doing to themselves to shock their parents.
403
00:15:54,019 --> 00:15:57,022
Now, I want you to get cracking on a follow-up:
404
00:15:57,022 --> 00:15:59,024
Amputation In A Jar.
405
00:15:59,024 --> 00:16:01,026
Maybe this is a good time to tell you
406
00:16:01,026 --> 00:16:03,529
we were responsible for Face-lift In A Can.
407
00:16:03,529 --> 00:16:05,531
Todd had nothing to do with it.
408
00:16:05,531 --> 00:16:08,033
How dare you?
409
00:16:08,033 --> 00:16:09,535
This is Todd's work.
410
00:16:09,535 --> 00:16:11,537
Why, if I was 30 pounds lighter
411
00:16:11,537 --> 00:16:14,540
and 30 years younger
412
00:16:14,540 --> 00:16:17,042
and 30% stronger
413
00:16:17,042 --> 00:16:20,546
and, uh, uh... 30 times taller,
414
00:16:20,546 --> 00:16:22,047
I'd pop you one!
415
00:16:22,047 --> 00:16:24,550
Now, you all ought to get up
416
00:16:24,550 --> 00:16:27,052
and march into Todd's cubicle and beg,
417
00:16:27,052 --> 00:16:28,554
yes, beg...
418
00:16:28,554 --> 00:16:31,056
grovel FOR TODD'S FORGIVENESS.
419
00:16:31,056 --> 00:16:32,558
I'll be in my office
420
00:16:32,558 --> 00:16:36,061
doing some very important high-level breathing.
421
00:16:36,061 --> 00:16:38,564
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
422
00:16:38,564 --> 00:16:41,066
Don't answer it.
423
00:16:41,066 --> 00:16:44,069
But I can't stand a ringing phone!
424
00:16:44,069 --> 00:16:45,070
Deal with it, Howard.
425
00:16:45,070 --> 00:16:46,572
This is the only way.
426
00:16:46,572 --> 00:16:49,074
If we don't answer his phone or his e-mail,
427
00:16:49,074 --> 00:16:51,076
if we don't reschedule his appointments
428
00:16:51,076 --> 00:16:52,578
and stop juggling his calendar,
429
00:16:52,578 --> 00:16:55,080
if we don't do any of his errands or his work,
430
00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:57,583
then Todd will return to the nothingness
431
00:16:57,583 --> 00:16:58,584
from which he came.
432
00:16:58,584 --> 00:17:00,586
It may mean losing the cubicle.
433
00:17:00,586 --> 00:17:03,088
It's a small price to pay for our sanity.
434
00:17:03,088 --> 00:17:07,593
Why are you all loitering in Todd's cube?
435
00:17:07,593 --> 00:17:10,095
We were just... waiting for him to return.
436
00:17:10,095 --> 00:17:12,097
Well, when he does, tell him to pack his stuff.
437
00:17:12,097 --> 00:17:13,599
Why? Is he fired?
438
00:17:13,599 --> 00:17:14,600
[CHORTLING]
439
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:16,101
No, no.
440
00:17:16,101 --> 00:17:17,603
I should say not.
441
00:17:17,603 --> 00:17:19,605
He's getting a corner office.
442
00:17:19,605 --> 00:17:20,606
An office?
443
00:17:20,606 --> 00:17:23,609
I've been at this lousy company for 10 years,
444
00:17:23,609 --> 00:17:25,110
and I'm still in a cubicle,
445
00:17:25,110 --> 00:17:27,112
and he gets a corner office?
446
00:17:27,112 --> 00:17:28,113
That's it. It's over.
447
00:17:28,113 --> 00:17:30,115
How can I put this delicately?
448
00:17:30,115 --> 00:17:31,617
Todd is dead.
449
00:17:31,617 --> 00:17:33,619
Before you go on, let me thank you
450
00:17:33,619 --> 00:17:35,621
for putting that so delicately.
451
00:17:35,621 --> 00:17:38,123
It was really quite thoughtful.
452
00:17:38,123 --> 00:17:39,625
Todd never was.
453
00:17:39,625 --> 00:17:41,627
He isn't! He never will be!
454
00:17:41,627 --> 00:17:43,629
He never existed.
455
00:17:43,629 --> 00:17:46,131
We CREATED TODD IN OUR OWN IMAGE.
456
00:17:46,131 --> 00:17:49,134
We made him, and now we've destroyed him.
457
00:17:49,134 --> 00:17:50,135
Are you done?
458
00:17:50,135 --> 00:17:51,136
Yes.
459
00:17:51,136 --> 00:17:52,137
Good. That's the confession
460
00:17:52,137 --> 00:17:53,639
I was waiting to hear.
461
00:17:53,639 --> 00:17:55,140
Take them away, boys!
462
00:17:55,140 --> 00:17:57,643
These are them what killed Todd.
463
00:17:57,643 --> 00:17:59,645
It's all a big mistake!
464
00:17:59,645 --> 00:18:03,148
There is no Todd!
465
00:18:03,148 --> 00:18:06,151
Oh, my next correspondence to Mama and Papa
466
00:18:06,151 --> 00:18:09,154
will certainly be a tale of woe.
467
00:18:12,658 --> 00:18:13,659
Tell us what happened
468
00:18:13,659 --> 00:18:15,661
and we'll recommend a light sentence.
469
00:18:15,661 --> 00:18:17,663
Nice try, but I happen to understand
470
00:18:17,663 --> 00:18:20,165
a little thing called "the prisoner's dilemma."
471
00:18:20,165 --> 00:18:21,667
Is that so?
472
00:18:21,667 --> 00:18:24,169
You have no physical evidence of a crime,
473
00:18:24,169 --> 00:18:25,671
so you can only convict us
474
00:18:25,671 --> 00:18:27,673
if one of us rats out the others,
475
00:18:27,673 --> 00:18:30,175
and since we're all aware of that fact,
476
00:18:30,175 --> 00:18:31,677
no one will rat out anyone
477
00:18:31,677 --> 00:18:34,179
and we'll be free in a matter of minutes.
478
00:18:36,682 --> 00:18:38,183
It was all Dilbert.
479
00:18:38,183 --> 00:18:40,185
I told him not to chop the body up,
480
00:18:40,185 --> 00:18:41,687
but he insisted.
481
00:18:41,687 --> 00:18:44,690
He said that's how he gets rid of all his victims.
482
00:18:44,690 --> 00:18:46,191
Oh, hi, Dilbert.
483
00:18:46,191 --> 00:18:46,692
Alice!
484
00:18:48,694 --> 00:18:50,195
He has always been evil.
485
00:18:50,195 --> 00:18:51,697
I felt it.
486
00:18:51,697 --> 00:18:53,198
But I never knew how evil
487
00:18:53,198 --> 00:18:56,201
until he would not stop plunging that fork
488
00:18:56,201 --> 00:18:58,203
into Todd's body.
489
00:18:58,203 --> 00:19:01,206
I stopped counting at 100.
490
00:19:01,206 --> 00:19:02,708
Oh, God.
491
00:19:02,708 --> 00:19:03,709
Hello, Dilbert.
492
00:19:03,709 --> 00:19:04,710
Asok!
493
00:19:04,710 --> 00:19:06,211
May I have that ice cream sandwich
494
00:19:06,211 --> 00:19:08,213
you promised me now?
495
00:19:08,213 --> 00:19:10,215
Look, we've got enough on you right now
496
00:19:10,215 --> 00:19:12,217
to put you away for the rest of your life,
497
00:19:12,217 --> 00:19:13,719
plus 30 years.
498
00:19:13,719 --> 00:19:15,220
Plus 30 YEARS?
499
00:19:15,220 --> 00:19:16,722
That doesn't make any sense.
500
00:19:16,722 --> 00:19:19,224
Why not give me life plus a thousand years?
501
00:19:19,224 --> 00:19:20,225
Keep pushing.
502
00:19:20,225 --> 00:19:21,226
This can't be happening.
503
00:19:21,226 --> 00:19:23,729
All I wanted was some extra cubicle space.
504
00:19:23,729 --> 00:19:24,730
That's all I wanted.
505
00:19:24,730 --> 00:19:26,231
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
506
00:19:26,231 --> 00:19:27,232
Hello?
507
00:19:27,232 --> 00:19:28,734
MAN: Yes, this is Todd.
508
00:19:28,734 --> 00:19:30,736
Todd? How do we know it's Todd.
509
00:19:30,736 --> 00:19:32,738
How do we know this is not an act?
510
00:19:32,738 --> 00:19:34,239
An act of Todd?
511
00:19:34,239 --> 00:19:36,241
Is Todd's word not good enough for you?
512
00:19:36,241 --> 00:19:37,242
Sorry.
513
00:19:37,242 --> 00:19:38,744
Now, listen carefully.
514
00:19:38,744 --> 00:19:41,747
I'm working on a top-secret project for the government.
515
00:19:41,747 --> 00:19:43,749
All I can say is it, uh, has something to do
516
00:19:43,749 --> 00:19:45,751
with the government, and... it's a secret.
517
00:19:45,751 --> 00:19:47,753
But you're alive-- alive and well?
518
00:19:47,753 --> 00:19:49,755
Do I sound dead to you?
519
00:19:49,755 --> 00:19:53,258
Unenthusiastic, maybe. Flat, affectless, but not dead.
520
00:19:53,258 --> 00:19:54,259
Precisely.
521
00:19:54,259 --> 00:19:55,260
Now, I've got to go.
522
00:19:55,260 --> 00:19:57,763
I've got to go do something with this, uh...
523
00:19:57,763 --> 00:19:59,264
secret government thing.
524
00:19:59,264 --> 00:20:00,766
I understand. Good luck.
525
00:20:00,766 --> 00:20:01,767
Yeah, whatever.
526
00:20:01,767 --> 00:20:03,769
You lucked out, Judas.
527
00:20:03,769 --> 00:20:04,770
Dilbert.
528
00:20:04,770 --> 00:20:05,771
You're free to go.
529
00:20:05,771 --> 00:20:07,272
And you can thank Todd.
530
00:20:07,272 --> 00:20:08,774
Oh, I will.
531
00:20:08,774 --> 00:20:09,274
I will.
532
00:20:10,776 --> 00:20:11,777
How'd I do?
533
00:20:11,777 --> 00:20:14,279
Not well, but it doesn't matter.
534
00:20:14,279 --> 00:20:16,281
People want to believe Todd exists.
535
00:20:16,281 --> 00:20:18,784
So anything you say in the name of Todd
536
00:20:18,784 --> 00:20:20,786
people will tend to buy.
537
00:20:20,786 --> 00:20:22,287
You see, you CAN play Todd,
538
00:20:22,287 --> 00:20:25,791
but you still can't play Dogbert.
539
00:20:25,791 --> 00:20:27,292
Amen.
540
00:20:27,292 --> 00:20:29,795
Well, back to work.
541
00:20:29,795 --> 00:20:31,797
Maybe I'll try a limp.
542
00:20:39,805 --> 00:20:42,808
You realize Todd's now a billionaire.
543
00:20:42,808 --> 00:20:44,309
And a Nobel prize winner.
544
00:20:44,309 --> 00:20:46,311
Don't forget the special law they passed
545
00:20:46,311 --> 00:20:47,813
that allows him to be a bigamist.
546
00:20:47,813 --> 00:20:49,314
Now, that was a coup.
547
00:20:49,314 --> 00:20:53,318
I understand, after he saves the rain forest
548
00:20:53,318 --> 00:20:55,821
and all the endangered species
549
00:20:55,821 --> 00:20:57,322
and feeds the starving,
550
00:20:57,322 --> 00:20:59,825
he's coming back to town and opening
551
00:20:59,825 --> 00:21:02,828
an actually fair-priced electronics store.
552
00:21:02,828 --> 00:21:03,829
Get out of here.
553
00:21:03,829 --> 00:21:06,331
That's Todd's word, not mine.
554
00:21:18,844 --> 00:21:20,846
[GASPING]
555
00:21:20,846 --> 00:21:22,848
I just saw Todd!
556
00:21:22,848 --> 00:21:23,849
You're just drunk.
557
00:21:23,849 --> 00:21:26,852
[LAUGHING]
558
00:21:26,852 --> 00:21:30,355
That's just what Todd would say.
559
00:21:30,355 --> 00:21:31,857
[BURPS]
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