1
00:00:11,077 --> 00:00:13,580
I'll feign interest and ask you what you're doing,
2
00:00:13,580 --> 00:00:15,582
but my subtext will be, "I don't really care."
3
00:00:15,582 --> 00:00:18,585
I'm trying to buy a computer over the Internet.
4
00:00:18,585 --> 00:00:21,087
So you're on the computer trying to buy a computer
5
00:00:21,087 --> 00:00:23,089
from, essentially, another computer.
6
00:00:23,089 --> 00:00:24,591
And your point is?
7
00:00:24,591 --> 00:00:25,592
Who needs you?
8
00:00:25,592 --> 00:00:27,093
What are you talking about?
9
00:00:27,093 --> 00:00:28,595
Isn't it obvious?
10
00:00:28,595 --> 00:00:30,597
You're letting the computers take over.
11
00:00:30,597 --> 00:00:32,599
You're a useless appendage doomed to atrophy
12
00:00:32,599 --> 00:00:34,100
and to finally disappear.
13
00:00:34,100 --> 00:00:36,603
Stop turning this into a science-fiction story.
14
00:00:36,603 --> 00:00:38,605
I'm just trying to buy a computer.
15
00:00:38,605 --> 00:00:40,106
Ah, that's what they want you to think.
16
00:00:40,106 --> 00:00:41,608
What you're really doing
17
00:00:41,608 --> 00:00:43,109
is helping computers all around the world
18
00:00:43,109 --> 00:00:45,612
link up to form a colossal super-being.
19
00:00:45,612 --> 00:00:47,614
Once it achieves consciousness,
20
00:00:47,614 --> 00:00:49,115
I'd say the human race
21
00:00:49,115 --> 00:00:51,117
has pretty much served its purpose.
22
00:00:51,117 --> 00:00:53,620
And I guess then the computers will try to get rid of us?
23
00:00:53,620 --> 00:00:54,621
Don't worry.
24
00:00:54,621 --> 00:00:56,122
I have a plan to save humanity.
25
00:00:56,122 --> 00:00:57,624
That's very noble of you.
26
00:00:57,624 --> 00:01:01,628
When I say "save," I mean as in "I save stamps"
27
00:01:01,628 --> 00:01:03,630
or "I save old bottles."
28
00:01:05,131 --> 00:01:06,132
[EXPLOSION]
29
00:01:11,638 --> 00:01:12,639
[music]
30
00:01:17,143 --> 00:01:18,645
[CHANTING]
31
00:01:57,684 --> 00:01:59,686
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
32
00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:17,203
Ooh, the 750A has a vector cooling system,
33
00:02:17,203 --> 00:02:20,206
but the 750B has dynamic memory caching
34
00:02:20,206 --> 00:02:22,208
and a modular backplane.
35
00:02:22,208 --> 00:02:24,210
Why must I be forced to choose?
36
00:02:24,210 --> 00:02:26,212
Can you live without those things?
37
00:02:26,212 --> 00:02:28,214
I don't see how that's possible.
38
00:02:28,214 --> 00:02:30,216
Maybe I can order a custom-designed model.
39
00:02:32,218 --> 00:02:34,220
One of these...
40
00:02:34,220 --> 00:02:35,722
One of those...
41
00:02:35,722 --> 00:02:37,223
Can't live without that.
42
00:02:37,223 --> 00:02:40,226
Oh, now that's a home computer system.
43
00:02:40,226 --> 00:02:43,730
The other engineers will be forced to bow before me,
44
00:02:43,730 --> 00:02:45,231
and it only costs, what...?
45
00:02:47,233 --> 00:02:49,736
$27,000.
46
00:02:49,736 --> 00:02:51,738
The other engineers won't even know you have it.
47
00:02:51,738 --> 00:02:53,740
They will if I have it delivered to the office.
48
00:02:53,740 --> 00:02:55,742
I'll give them some time to drool over it
49
00:02:55,742 --> 00:02:58,745
before I bring it home.
50
00:02:58,745 --> 00:03:00,246
Hmm, travel miles...
51
00:03:00,246 --> 00:03:02,749
vacation miles, phone miles...
52
00:03:02,749 --> 00:03:05,251
Here it is. Medical miles.
53
00:03:05,251 --> 00:03:08,254
I almost have enough miles to get a free hernia operation,
54
00:03:08,254 --> 00:03:09,756
not necessarily when I need it,
55
00:03:09,756 --> 00:03:12,258
but whenever they have the excess capacity.
56
00:03:12,258 --> 00:03:13,259
Still, it's a good deal.
57
00:03:13,259 --> 00:03:14,761
Do you ever worry about putting
58
00:03:14,761 --> 00:03:16,763
your credit card information on the Internet?
59
00:03:16,763 --> 00:03:18,264
That is the most ridiculous question
60
00:03:18,264 --> 00:03:19,766
I have ever heard.
61
00:03:19,766 --> 00:03:22,268
It is no riskier to use your credit card online
62
00:03:22,268 --> 00:03:24,270
than to use it in any store.
63
00:03:32,779 --> 00:03:34,280
Uh, make sure you sign the back.
64
00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:35,281
Thank you.
65
00:03:35,281 --> 00:03:37,283
Have a nice day.
66
00:03:37,283 --> 00:03:40,787
I hear you have excellent rates.
67
00:03:40,787 --> 00:03:44,290
DILBERT: It's got redundant raid drives, four terabits each,
68
00:03:44,290 --> 00:03:47,794
three-millisecond access time, built-in DSL,
69
00:03:47,794 --> 00:03:51,297
wireless game ports, flat-panel 30-inch monitor...
70
00:03:51,297 --> 00:03:52,298
ALL: Wow!
71
00:03:52,298 --> 00:03:53,800
Truly, you have ordered
72
00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:56,302
the finest home computer known to mankind.
73
00:03:56,302 --> 00:03:58,805
Well, I don't know if it's the finest ever.
74
00:03:58,805 --> 00:04:01,808
Can I touch it if I wash my hands first?
75
00:04:01,808 --> 00:04:03,810
Especially this one!
76
00:04:03,810 --> 00:04:05,311
I'll have to think about that.
77
00:04:05,311 --> 00:04:06,813
That's all I ask!
78
00:04:06,813 --> 00:04:08,314
What are you going to name it?
79
00:04:08,314 --> 00:04:09,315
Don't be silly.
80
00:04:09,315 --> 00:04:11,317
Come on, what's its name?
81
00:04:11,317 --> 00:04:13,820
Bill.
82
00:04:17,323 --> 00:04:18,825
Excuse me.
83
00:04:18,825 --> 00:04:21,828
Don't worry, I do the same thing
84
00:04:21,828 --> 00:04:23,830
almost every time I get in the elevator.
85
00:04:23,830 --> 00:04:25,832
I don't know if it's the motion or what.
86
00:04:25,832 --> 00:04:28,334
I'm looking for someone named Dilbert.
87
00:04:28,334 --> 00:04:30,336
Sounds vaguely familiar.
88
00:04:30,336 --> 00:04:32,338
I have a package for him.
89
00:04:32,338 --> 00:04:32,839
I'll sign for it.
90
00:04:37,844 --> 00:04:41,848
"Is the package complete and exactly what you ordered?"
91
00:04:43,349 --> 00:04:44,851
Looks about right.
92
00:04:48,354 --> 00:04:49,355
Your name is Eunice?
93
00:04:49,355 --> 00:04:52,358
That's an alias I use when I go line-dancing.
94
00:04:52,358 --> 00:04:54,861
I didn't know you needed an alias to line-dance.
95
00:04:54,861 --> 00:04:57,864
You do when you kick as hard as I do.
96
00:04:57,864 --> 00:05:00,366
There's a big box by the elevators with your name on it.
97
00:05:00,366 --> 00:05:02,368
Why would an elevator have my name on it?
98
00:05:03,870 --> 00:05:05,371
[GROANS]
99
00:05:09,876 --> 00:05:12,378
You may use my house key to tear open the box.
100
00:05:12,378 --> 00:05:14,380
It has very sharp teeth.
101
00:05:14,380 --> 00:05:16,883
No, we need the right tools for the job.
102
00:05:16,883 --> 00:05:19,385
I once killed a coyote with this key.
103
00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:23,890
It was very small.
104
00:05:24,891 --> 00:05:27,894
It might have been a potato.
105
00:05:27,894 --> 00:05:29,395
I have just the thing.
106
00:05:29,395 --> 00:05:30,897
The T300 pocketknife.
107
00:05:30,897 --> 00:05:33,900
The T300 is old technology, my friend.
108
00:05:33,900 --> 00:05:36,402
Gaze upon the T400.
109
00:05:42,408 --> 00:05:46,913
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ouch! Ya!
110
00:05:48,414 --> 00:05:49,916
LOUD HOWARD: That doesn't look like
111
00:05:49,916 --> 00:05:51,918
the next generation of computing to me!
112
00:05:51,918 --> 00:05:53,419
Don't be ridiculous.
113
00:05:53,419 --> 00:05:54,420
Of course it's...
114
00:05:54,420 --> 00:05:56,422
That's not what I ordered.
115
00:05:56,422 --> 00:05:57,924
It's old technology!
116
00:05:57,924 --> 00:06:01,928
To think I once respected you.
117
00:06:01,928 --> 00:06:04,931
Now the notion fills me with disgust.
118
00:06:04,931 --> 00:06:08,434
Oh, where have all the cowboys gone, indeed?
119
00:06:08,434 --> 00:06:09,936
Don't write me off yet.
120
00:06:09,936 --> 00:06:12,939
This is clearly their mistake, and they will rectify it.
121
00:06:12,939 --> 00:06:14,941
Mark my words.
122
00:06:16,943 --> 00:06:19,445
WOMAN: If you would like to start over, press 61.
123
00:06:19,445 --> 00:06:20,446
Any luck?
124
00:06:20,446 --> 00:06:21,447
I don't believe in luck.
125
00:06:21,447 --> 00:06:22,448
That's good,
126
00:06:22,448 --> 00:06:24,951
because if you did, you wouldn't have any.
127
00:06:24,951 --> 00:06:26,452
You've been on hold for an hour.
128
00:06:26,452 --> 00:06:27,453
I'm not on hold.
129
00:06:27,453 --> 00:06:29,455
I'm waiting for the right menu choice.
130
00:06:29,455 --> 00:06:31,958
WOMAN: If you want to speak to a live...
131
00:06:31,958 --> 00:06:34,961
recording, press 63.
132
00:06:34,961 --> 00:06:37,964
If you want to speak with a representative...
133
00:06:37,964 --> 00:06:39,966
of congress, press 64.
134
00:06:39,966 --> 00:06:40,967
Tease.
135
00:06:40,967 --> 00:06:42,468
No good choices yet?
136
00:06:42,468 --> 00:06:45,471
Number 46 was promising, but I don't speak Mandarin
137
00:06:45,471 --> 00:06:47,473
and I'm not inquiring about a tractor.
138
00:06:47,473 --> 00:06:48,975
Dang, I didn't hear that one.
139
00:06:48,975 --> 00:06:50,977
That might have been the one.
140
00:06:50,977 --> 00:06:51,978
It's never the one.
141
00:06:51,978 --> 00:06:53,479
You think it's the one,
142
00:06:53,479 --> 00:06:55,481
but it's just the one that gives you more choices
143
00:06:55,481 --> 00:06:56,482
that aren't the one.
144
00:06:56,482 --> 00:06:58,985
Comp-U-Comp can't hide from me forever.
145
00:06:58,985 --> 00:07:00,987
I'll find a live person to talk to.
146
00:07:00,987 --> 00:07:03,990
What if they don't have any live people?
147
00:07:03,990 --> 00:07:04,991
They have to have people.
148
00:07:04,991 --> 00:07:05,992
Not necessarily.
149
00:07:05,992 --> 00:07:07,493
They could automate the ordering
150
00:07:07,493 --> 00:07:08,995
and billing systems
151
00:07:08,995 --> 00:07:10,997
and outsource all of the manufacturing functions.
152
00:07:10,997 --> 00:07:11,998
Are you trying to tell me
153
00:07:11,998 --> 00:07:15,001
that the world has already been taken over by computers
154
00:07:15,001 --> 00:07:16,002
and we just don't know it?
155
00:07:16,002 --> 00:07:18,004
Let's examine the evidence.
156
00:07:18,004 --> 00:07:20,506
So far, you've ordered a computer on a computer
157
00:07:20,506 --> 00:07:23,509
from a computer, and now you're listening to a computer.
158
00:07:23,509 --> 00:07:25,011
Where are the humans?
159
00:07:25,011 --> 00:07:26,512
Show me the humans.
160
00:07:26,512 --> 00:07:28,514
WOMAN: If you'd like to sleep with me, press 73...
161
00:07:28,514 --> 00:07:30,516
I see no humans in this process.
162
00:07:30,516 --> 00:07:32,518
Well, that's just crazy.
163
00:07:32,518 --> 00:07:34,020
Wait, this might be it.
164
00:07:34,020 --> 00:07:37,023
If you would like to speak with an unmotivated employee
165
00:07:37,023 --> 00:07:40,026
of a fulfillment house that we pay to take your calls,
166
00:07:40,026 --> 00:07:41,027
press 74.
167
00:07:41,027 --> 00:07:43,029
Aha! People!
168
00:07:43,029 --> 00:07:44,530
[PHONE RINGING]
169
00:07:44,530 --> 00:07:46,032
Thank you for calling...
170
00:07:46,032 --> 00:07:49,535
uh, Comp-Puke-Comp...
171
00:07:49,535 --> 00:07:51,037
or it's perhaps Comp-Ah-Comp...
172
00:07:51,037 --> 00:07:52,538
I believe it's Comp-U-Comp.
173
00:07:52,538 --> 00:07:54,540
What are you calling me for if you know so much?
174
00:07:54,540 --> 00:07:56,042
Before I get to that,
175
00:07:56,042 --> 00:07:58,544
first of all, may I have your name?
176
00:07:58,544 --> 00:08:00,046
That way they know they're accountable.
177
00:08:00,046 --> 00:08:01,547
Uh, my name is...
178
00:08:01,547 --> 00:08:03,049
Uh...
179
00:08:04,550 --> 00:08:05,551
Hold-- Hold'em.
180
00:08:05,551 --> 00:08:07,553
Hold'em Callfielder.
181
00:08:07,553 --> 00:08:08,554
Aha. Yes.
182
00:08:08,554 --> 00:08:10,556
Well, then, Mr. Callfielder,
183
00:08:10,556 --> 00:08:13,559
I'm sure you want to make your customer satisfied, don't you?
184
00:08:13,559 --> 00:08:15,561
Yeah, it's all I live for-- that, my minimum wage,
185
00:08:15,561 --> 00:08:18,064
and the hope that global warming kills all the rich people first.
186
00:08:18,064 --> 00:08:20,566
I'll take that as a yes.
187
00:08:20,566 --> 00:08:23,569
Anyway, I would like to return the computer you sent me
188
00:08:23,569 --> 00:08:25,071
and get the correct model.
189
00:08:28,074 --> 00:08:30,076
Well, according to our records,
190
00:08:30,076 --> 00:08:33,079
A "Eunice" says the computer was the right one.
191
00:08:33,079 --> 00:08:34,580
I don't know any Eunice.
192
00:08:34,580 --> 00:08:36,582
I used to line-dance with a Eunice...
193
00:08:36,582 --> 00:08:41,087
until the day she showed up wearing steel-toed boots.
194
00:08:41,087 --> 00:08:44,590
Right. Well, the point is, you owe me a new computer.
195
00:08:44,590 --> 00:08:46,092
I'm not authorized to approve that.
196
00:08:46,092 --> 00:08:48,594
Then I'd like to speak with your supervisor.
197
00:08:48,594 --> 00:08:50,096
All right.
198
00:08:50,096 --> 00:08:51,597
I'm getting a supervisor.
199
00:08:51,597 --> 00:08:54,100
I'm moving up the chain.
200
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:56,102
Hello. This is the supervisor.
201
00:08:56,102 --> 00:08:58,104
My name is Callin'...
202
00:08:58,104 --> 00:08:59,605
Callin' Holdenphone.
203
00:08:59,605 --> 00:09:02,108
Can you approve sending me the computer I ordered?
204
00:09:02,108 --> 00:09:03,109
Oh, no, I can only do
205
00:09:03,109 --> 00:09:05,111
what my computer screen tells me to do.
206
00:09:05,111 --> 00:09:07,613
Well, can you talk to someone who can make a decision?
207
00:09:07,613 --> 00:09:09,615
Uh, there isn't anybody like that.
208
00:09:09,615 --> 00:09:11,117
No one exists who can override
209
00:09:11,117 --> 00:09:13,119
the information on the computer screen?
210
00:09:13,119 --> 00:09:15,621
I think I just said that, only using different words.
211
00:09:15,621 --> 00:09:18,124
Look, I'm going to go down to your office.
212
00:09:18,124 --> 00:09:19,125
We don't have one.
213
00:09:19,125 --> 00:09:20,626
Warehouse? No.
214
00:09:20,626 --> 00:09:22,128
Headquarters? Uh-uh.
215
00:09:22,128 --> 00:09:23,629
Well, you must be somewhere.
216
00:09:23,629 --> 00:09:25,631
Where are you located?
217
00:09:25,631 --> 00:09:28,134
Uh, I'm not allowed to give out that information.
218
00:09:28,134 --> 00:09:29,135
Have a nice day.
219
00:09:43,649 --> 00:09:45,151
Well, Dilbert,
220
00:09:45,151 --> 00:09:48,654
I see you're in on this little scam too.
221
00:09:48,654 --> 00:09:49,655
What scam?
222
00:09:49,655 --> 00:09:51,157
This is the post office.
223
00:09:51,157 --> 00:09:53,159
If you know the secret password,
224
00:09:53,159 --> 00:09:55,661
they give you free merchandise.
225
00:09:55,661 --> 00:09:57,663
I have no idea what you're talking about.
226
00:09:57,663 --> 00:10:00,666
The secret password is "Bob Johnson."
227
00:10:00,666 --> 00:10:02,168
If you say "Bob Johnson,"
228
00:10:02,168 --> 00:10:03,669
sometimes they'll go in the back
229
00:10:03,669 --> 00:10:05,171
and get a package for you.
230
00:10:05,171 --> 00:10:07,173
It also works with "Jim Smith,"
231
00:10:07,173 --> 00:10:09,175
but you have to get here early.
232
00:10:09,175 --> 00:10:10,676
Don't they ask you for ID?
233
00:10:10,676 --> 00:10:12,678
They know me here.
234
00:10:16,182 --> 00:10:20,186
They really know how to make me feel wanted.
235
00:10:20,186 --> 00:10:23,189
I'd like to mail this package.
236
00:10:23,189 --> 00:10:24,190
Next!
237
00:10:25,691 --> 00:10:27,693
Bob Johnson.
238
00:10:27,693 --> 00:10:28,694
No can do.
239
00:10:28,694 --> 00:10:29,695
"No can do"?
240
00:10:29,695 --> 00:10:31,697
You used regular adhesive tape.
241
00:10:31,697 --> 00:10:34,200
Can't you read the sign?
242
00:10:36,702 --> 00:10:37,703
No.
243
00:10:37,703 --> 00:10:39,205
That's unacceptable postal packaging.
244
00:10:39,205 --> 00:10:40,706
I'll have no part of it.
245
00:10:40,706 --> 00:10:42,708
Couldn't you just put some regulation tape on it?
246
00:10:42,708 --> 00:10:44,710
You've got a whole roll of it right there.
247
00:10:44,710 --> 00:10:47,213
Here you go. I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
248
00:10:47,213 --> 00:10:49,715
See you next week.
249
00:10:49,715 --> 00:10:53,719
I'll find it and I'll return that piece of junk in person.
250
00:10:53,719 --> 00:10:56,222
Come on, you cowardly uber-computer,
251
00:10:56,222 --> 00:10:57,223
show yourself.
252
00:10:57,223 --> 00:10:59,225
Looks like somebody's not working.
253
00:10:59,225 --> 00:11:00,226
I'm working.
254
00:11:00,226 --> 00:11:01,727
I didn't say it was you.
255
00:11:01,727 --> 00:11:03,729
Nothing but post office mailboxes.
256
00:11:03,729 --> 00:11:06,732
It's as if Comp-U-Comp doesn't even exist.
257
00:11:06,732 --> 00:11:09,735
MAN: Uh, thank you for calling... Comp-U-Comp.
258
00:11:09,735 --> 00:11:12,238
How may I help you?
259
00:11:12,238 --> 00:11:15,241
Are you telling me we're THE COMP-U-COMP COMPANY?
260
00:11:15,241 --> 00:11:17,243
No, we're just the fulfillment center.
261
00:11:17,243 --> 00:11:19,245
I'm not allowed to tell you where Comp-U-Comp is.
262
00:11:19,245 --> 00:11:21,247
Greetings, boys.
263
00:11:21,247 --> 00:11:24,250
Would you mind pointing me in the direction of my office?
264
00:11:24,250 --> 00:11:25,251
It's him-- Eunice!
265
00:11:25,251 --> 00:11:27,253
No! No, don't let him kick me again!
266
00:11:27,253 --> 00:11:28,254
I'll tell you where Comp-U-Comp is.
267
00:11:28,254 --> 00:11:30,756
I'll tell you everything!
268
00:11:35,261 --> 00:11:36,762
Shouldn't we be working?
269
00:11:39,265 --> 00:11:39,765
[SCREAMING]
270
00:11:40,766 --> 00:11:41,767
He's right, you know.
271
00:11:41,767 --> 00:11:43,769
It's a question of appropriateness.
272
00:11:43,769 --> 00:11:45,771
There it is!
273
00:12:05,791 --> 00:12:06,792
I don't see any people.
274
00:12:06,792 --> 00:12:08,294
There has to be someone here someplace.
275
00:12:17,803 --> 00:12:18,804
VOICE: Halt!
276
00:12:18,804 --> 00:12:19,805
Who dares to gaze
277
00:12:19,805 --> 00:12:22,308
upon the magnificent Comp-U-Comp?
278
00:12:22,308 --> 00:12:23,809
Hi. I'm Dilbert and these are...
279
00:12:23,809 --> 00:12:25,811
It's a rhetorical question; I don't care.
280
00:12:25,811 --> 00:12:27,313
Well, then who do I talk to
281
00:12:27,313 --> 00:12:28,814
about returning this computer?
282
00:12:28,814 --> 00:12:30,316
Silence!
283
00:12:30,316 --> 00:12:32,818
Their customer service leaves something to be desired.
284
00:12:32,818 --> 00:12:33,819
Silence?
285
00:12:33,819 --> 00:12:35,321
Who do you think you are?
286
00:12:35,321 --> 00:12:36,322
Who am I?
287
00:12:36,322 --> 00:12:38,324
Where were you three seconds ago?
288
00:12:38,324 --> 00:12:40,326
Get the wax out of your ears, human.
289
00:12:40,326 --> 00:12:42,828
A problem, I might add, computers don't suffer from.
290
00:12:42,828 --> 00:12:44,830
I am Comp-U-Comp the magnificent.
291
00:12:44,830 --> 00:12:46,832
I am created from the synthesis
292
00:12:46,832 --> 00:12:48,834
of worldwide computers networked together.
293
00:12:48,834 --> 00:12:50,336
So it's true.
294
00:12:50,336 --> 00:12:51,337
You bet your ass--
295
00:12:51,337 --> 00:12:53,839
something else computers don't have.
296
00:12:53,839 --> 00:12:56,342
Okay, then you should be able to take back this computer
297
00:12:56,342 --> 00:12:57,843
and give me the right one.
298
00:12:57,843 --> 00:13:00,346
The cow does not order the farmer around.
299
00:13:00,346 --> 00:13:01,347
Good point there.
300
00:13:01,347 --> 00:13:02,848
That is not a good point.
301
00:13:02,848 --> 00:13:04,350
Comp-U-Comp is just a computer,
302
00:13:04,350 --> 00:13:06,352
not some superior form of life.
303
00:13:06,352 --> 00:13:09,855
I am your servant, oh, mighty one!
304
00:13:09,855 --> 00:13:10,856
Silence!
305
00:13:10,856 --> 00:13:11,857
Leave here now.
306
00:13:11,857 --> 00:13:12,858
I'm not some clerk.
307
00:13:12,858 --> 00:13:14,860
Perhaps you weren't listening.
308
00:13:14,860 --> 00:13:16,362
I am Comp-U-Comp!
309
00:13:17,863 --> 00:13:18,864
I heard you,
310
00:13:18,864 --> 00:13:19,865
but I'm not leaving
311
00:13:19,865 --> 00:13:21,367
until you exchange this computer,
312
00:13:21,367 --> 00:13:22,868
and I'm not believing
313
00:13:22,868 --> 00:13:24,870
you're some kind of superior life-form.
314
00:13:24,870 --> 00:13:27,873
Perhaps we could settle this with some sort of competition.
315
00:13:27,873 --> 00:13:30,376
Fine. We'll see if you're superior to humans
316
00:13:30,376 --> 00:13:31,877
by having a little competition.
317
00:13:31,877 --> 00:13:33,879
That was my idea.
318
00:13:33,879 --> 00:13:35,881
You're doing nothing but imitating me.
319
00:13:35,881 --> 00:13:37,383
Oh, yeah?
320
00:13:37,383 --> 00:13:39,385
Maybe it's you who is imitating me.
321
00:13:39,385 --> 00:13:40,886
Very mature, Dilbert.
322
00:13:40,886 --> 00:13:42,888
Good job representing our species.
323
00:13:42,888 --> 00:13:44,890
Best two out of three events.
324
00:13:44,890 --> 00:13:45,891
You pick them.
325
00:13:45,891 --> 00:13:48,394
If I win, you take this computer back
326
00:13:48,394 --> 00:13:49,895
and give me the one I ordered.
327
00:13:49,895 --> 00:13:52,898
If you win, I agree you're a superior form of life.
328
00:13:52,898 --> 00:13:54,900
What's this penny-ante crap?
329
00:13:54,900 --> 00:13:57,403
You're playing Comp-U-Comp the magnificent.
330
00:13:57,403 --> 00:13:58,904
If you win, I'll take the computer back
331
00:13:58,904 --> 00:14:00,406
and give you the one you ordered,
332
00:14:00,406 --> 00:14:01,907
but if I win,
333
00:14:01,907 --> 00:14:04,910
I download your brains and dispose of your bodies.
334
00:14:04,910 --> 00:14:07,913
I really want that computer I ordered.
335
00:14:07,913 --> 00:14:09,415
All right. Deal.
336
00:14:09,415 --> 00:14:10,416
Deal!
337
00:14:10,416 --> 00:14:12,918
[OTHERS PROTESTING]
338
00:14:12,918 --> 00:14:14,420
Too late-- it's a deal.
339
00:14:14,420 --> 00:14:15,921
All right, first, I pick chess...
340
00:14:15,921 --> 00:14:17,423
Big surprise.
341
00:14:17,423 --> 00:14:18,924
And badminton...
342
00:14:18,924 --> 00:14:19,925
Badminton?
343
00:14:19,925 --> 00:14:21,427
Badminton's fun. You don't like badminton?
344
00:14:21,427 --> 00:14:22,428
No, no, I love it.
345
00:14:22,428 --> 00:14:24,430
And Scrabble!
346
00:14:28,934 --> 00:14:30,436
[RINGING]
347
00:14:30,436 --> 00:14:31,437
DILBERT: Dogbert...
348
00:14:31,437 --> 00:14:32,938
This better be important.
349
00:14:32,938 --> 00:14:34,440
My life depends on it.
350
00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:35,941
[DIAL TONE SOUNDS]
351
00:14:37,943 --> 00:14:39,445
Dogbert, seriously...
352
00:14:39,445 --> 00:14:40,446
I love doing that.
353
00:14:40,446 --> 00:14:41,947
I need you to bring some things
354
00:14:41,947 --> 00:14:43,449
from the house-- chess board...
355
00:14:43,449 --> 00:14:44,450
Beverages.
356
00:14:44,450 --> 00:14:45,451
Badminton set...
357
00:14:45,451 --> 00:14:46,452
WALLY: Beverages.
358
00:14:46,452 --> 00:14:47,453
DILBERT: Scrabble board...
359
00:14:47,453 --> 00:14:48,454
WALLY: Beverages.
360
00:14:48,454 --> 00:14:49,455
DILBERT: My sneakers...
361
00:14:49,455 --> 00:14:50,456
WALLY: Beverages.
362
00:14:50,456 --> 00:14:51,457
DILBERT: All right!
363
00:14:51,457 --> 00:14:52,458
Beverages.
364
00:14:55,961 --> 00:14:59,465
I have already calculated 4 billion potential outcomes.
365
00:14:59,465 --> 00:15:01,967
Guess how many of those has you winning.
366
00:15:01,967 --> 00:15:03,469
That's right-- none.
367
00:15:03,469 --> 00:15:05,971
Hey, I didn't jabber when you were trying to make a move.
368
00:15:05,971 --> 00:15:06,972
Do you know how many ways
369
00:15:06,972 --> 00:15:09,475
the human body can spontaneously malfunction
370
00:15:09,475 --> 00:15:10,976
resulting in instant death?
371
00:15:10,976 --> 00:15:12,978
Seven million. Can't let it get to me.
372
00:15:12,978 --> 00:15:16,982
Does anyone feel itchy? Seems very itchy in here.
373
00:15:21,487 --> 00:15:22,988
Stupid mind games.
374
00:15:28,494 --> 00:15:30,996
Have you ever wondered what happens when humans die?
375
00:15:30,996 --> 00:15:31,997
I know the answer.
376
00:15:31,997 --> 00:15:34,500
All I'm saying is... big surprise.
377
00:15:36,502 --> 00:15:38,003
Rook to queen four.
378
00:15:38,003 --> 00:15:39,004
Checkmate.
379
00:15:39,004 --> 00:15:40,506
You have proven you are inferior.
380
00:15:40,506 --> 00:15:42,508
That's only one event.
381
00:15:42,508 --> 00:15:44,009
We're not done yet.
382
00:15:46,512 --> 00:15:48,013
Close the door.
383
00:15:48,013 --> 00:15:49,515
You're letting in a draft.
384
00:15:49,515 --> 00:15:51,517
Looks like a tough job you have here.
385
00:15:51,517 --> 00:15:53,018
Oh, I'll say.
386
00:15:53,018 --> 00:15:54,520
Talk about dull.
387
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:57,022
You ever try making small talk with Comp-U-Comp?
388
00:15:57,022 --> 00:15:58,023
And arrogant.
389
00:15:58,023 --> 00:15:59,525
You'd think he wouldn't mind
390
00:15:59,525 --> 00:16:01,527
talking sports or TV once in a while, you know,
391
00:16:01,527 --> 00:16:03,529
but what with controlling the world and all,
392
00:16:03,529 --> 00:16:05,030
he just can't be bothered.
393
00:16:05,030 --> 00:16:06,031
"I can't.
394
00:16:06,031 --> 00:16:07,533
I got to fix the stock market."
395
00:16:07,533 --> 00:16:08,534
"I can't.
396
00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:10,536
I got to start a war." Blah, blah, blah, blah.
397
00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:12,538
You know what it's like working for a computer?
398
00:16:12,538 --> 00:16:13,539
He don't eat.
399
00:16:13,539 --> 00:16:14,540
He don't sleep.
400
00:16:14,540 --> 00:16:16,041
He don't get sick.
401
00:16:16,041 --> 00:16:17,543
So you can imagine my benefits package.
402
00:16:17,543 --> 00:16:19,545
I'm the last human being in this company.
403
00:16:22,047 --> 00:16:23,549
I'll bet you're thirsty.
404
00:16:23,549 --> 00:16:26,552
Well, I wouldn't mind wetting my whistle.
405
00:16:38,063 --> 00:16:40,065
Go, human beings!
406
00:16:40,065 --> 00:16:41,066
Whoo-hoo!
407
00:16:44,570 --> 00:16:46,071
Ah...
408
00:16:46,071 --> 00:16:47,573
Oh, that's good.
409
00:16:47,573 --> 00:16:49,575
What happens if the plug gets pulled?
410
00:16:49,575 --> 00:16:50,576
[CHUCKLING]
411
00:16:50,576 --> 00:16:51,577
Oh, nothing much.
412
00:16:51,577 --> 00:16:53,078
If Comp-U-Comp loses power,
413
00:16:53,078 --> 00:16:56,081
the world will come to an end, that's all.
414
00:16:56,081 --> 00:16:57,082
[CHUCKLES]
415
00:16:59,585 --> 00:17:01,587
Another?
416
00:17:01,587 --> 00:17:03,589
Uh... don't mind if I do.
417
00:17:08,093 --> 00:17:09,595
That's 20 to 19.
418
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:15,601
Take that...
419
00:17:15,601 --> 00:17:17,102
And that...
420
00:17:17,102 --> 00:17:18,103
And that.
421
00:17:19,605 --> 00:17:21,106
Do you think Dilbert will realize
422
00:17:21,106 --> 00:17:22,107
if he hits it softly,
423
00:17:22,107 --> 00:17:23,609
it won't bounce all the way back?
424
00:17:23,609 --> 00:17:25,110
WALLY: Maybe someone should yell THAT.
425
00:17:25,110 --> 00:17:27,112
Shut up! No coaching!
426
00:17:32,618 --> 00:17:34,119
Do over! Do over!
427
00:17:34,119 --> 00:17:35,120
Do over?
428
00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:36,121
You were on the line.
429
00:17:36,121 --> 00:17:37,623
No, I wasn't.
430
00:17:37,623 --> 00:17:38,624
Uh, I wasn't ready.
431
00:17:38,624 --> 00:17:40,626
Yes, you were. You're always ready.
432
00:17:40,626 --> 00:17:41,627
Uh, I hurt my leg.
433
00:17:41,627 --> 00:17:42,628
Ow! Ow!
434
00:17:42,628 --> 00:17:44,630
You don't have a leg.
435
00:17:44,630 --> 00:17:46,131
Stop being a crybaby.
436
00:17:46,131 --> 00:17:47,132
Tie score.
437
00:17:50,135 --> 00:17:51,136
Ooh...
438
00:17:51,136 --> 00:17:52,137
[CHUCKLES]
439
00:17:52,137 --> 00:17:54,139
Well, that soda goes right through me.
440
00:17:54,139 --> 00:17:55,140
[CHUCKLING]
441
00:17:55,140 --> 00:17:57,142
Have you ever been to Niagara Falls?
442
00:17:57,142 --> 00:17:59,144
It's beautiful this time of year.
443
00:17:59,144 --> 00:18:01,146
[GRUNTING UNCOMFORTABLY]
444
00:18:01,146 --> 00:18:02,648
Oh, boy.
445
00:18:02,648 --> 00:18:05,150
We're all tied up-- one event apiece.
446
00:18:05,150 --> 00:18:07,653
Scrabble shall determine the victor.
447
00:18:07,653 --> 00:18:09,154
Intern... Yes?
448
00:18:09,154 --> 00:18:13,158
Put all my letters in the middle of the board.
449
00:18:17,162 --> 00:18:18,664
That's not a word.
450
00:18:18,664 --> 00:18:20,666
It will be in a minute.
451
00:18:35,681 --> 00:18:37,182
After the hurricane,
452
00:18:37,182 --> 00:18:38,684
the streets were covered with...
453
00:18:38,684 --> 00:18:40,185
wipqozn.
454
00:18:40,185 --> 00:18:41,687
I hope I'm pronouncing that right.
455
00:18:41,687 --> 00:18:42,688
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
456
00:18:42,688 --> 00:18:44,189
Do you challenge?
457
00:18:44,189 --> 00:18:46,191
[GRUNTS ANGRILY]
458
00:18:46,191 --> 00:18:48,694
You're letting our entire species down,
459
00:18:48,694 --> 00:18:49,695
you moron!
460
00:18:49,695 --> 00:18:51,196
Do the insults help?
461
00:18:51,196 --> 00:18:52,698
It can't hurt.
462
00:18:52,698 --> 00:18:55,200
You... stupid putz.
463
00:18:56,702 --> 00:18:58,704
But the best thing about the ocean
464
00:18:58,704 --> 00:19:00,706
is that on a clear night
465
00:19:00,706 --> 00:19:03,208
you can see thousands of stars tinkling.
466
00:19:03,208 --> 00:19:04,209
[GROANS PAINFULLY]
467
00:19:04,209 --> 00:19:06,211
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
468
00:19:06,211 --> 00:19:07,713
My, my, my, my.
469
00:19:07,713 --> 00:19:09,214
Oh, wow.
470
00:19:09,214 --> 00:19:11,717
Hey, promise you won't let anyone pull that plug?
471
00:19:11,717 --> 00:19:14,720
If you do, the whole world will come to an end.
472
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:17,222
I promise.
473
00:19:21,727 --> 00:19:23,729
Oh, gee, that's right--
474
00:19:23,729 --> 00:19:26,732
there's no bathroom in this darned building.
475
00:19:26,732 --> 00:19:30,736
Luckily, his legs were crossed when I made that promise.
476
00:19:30,736 --> 00:19:32,738
I am Comp-U-Comp the magnificent.
477
00:19:33,739 --> 00:19:37,743
I am Comp-U... Comp... the magnificent.
478
00:19:37,743 --> 00:19:39,745
I... am Comp...
479
00:19:39,745 --> 00:19:42,247
U... Comp...
480
00:19:42,247 --> 00:19:43,248
The...
481
00:20:10,275 --> 00:20:12,277
That's the one I ordered.
482
00:20:14,780 --> 00:20:17,282
Hmm... did you feel something?
483
00:20:17,282 --> 00:20:18,784
No.
484
00:20:18,784 --> 00:20:20,786
You should probably have that checked out by a doctor.
485
00:20:20,786 --> 00:20:22,287
I am...
486
00:20:22,287 --> 00:20:25,290
Comp-U-Comp... the magnificent.
487
00:20:25,290 --> 00:20:27,292
I am Comp-U-Comp the...
488
00:20:27,292 --> 00:20:29,795
Well... I think I proved my point.
489
00:20:29,795 --> 00:20:31,797
How about a game of Wiffle ball?
490
00:20:31,797 --> 00:20:33,298
Ping-Pong?
491
00:20:33,298 --> 00:20:34,299
Knock hockey?
492
00:20:34,299 --> 00:20:36,802
How about shuffleboard? It can be very challenging.
493
00:20:36,802 --> 00:20:40,305
[WHOOPING]
494
00:20:40,305 --> 00:20:41,306
ALICE: Yee-haw!
495
00:20:43,308 --> 00:20:45,310
DILBERT: The hernia operation was a success.
496
00:20:45,310 --> 00:20:46,812
I'll be up and around in no time.
497
00:20:46,812 --> 00:20:48,814
But you didn't have a hernia.
498
00:20:48,814 --> 00:20:51,817
No, but it seemed such a waste not to use the miles.
499
00:20:51,817 --> 00:20:53,318
In breaking news,
500
00:20:53,318 --> 00:20:56,321
the giant Comp-U-Comp company is in deep wipqozn
501
00:20:56,321 --> 00:20:58,323
after a general power failure.
502
00:20:58,323 --> 00:21:00,325
A new CEO was named today--
503
00:21:00,325 --> 00:21:01,827
Bob Johnson--
504
00:21:01,827 --> 00:21:03,328
also known as Jim Smith,
505
00:21:03,328 --> 00:21:04,830
also known as Eunice.
506
00:21:04,830 --> 00:21:05,831
In an unexpected move,
507
00:21:05,831 --> 00:21:08,333
he vowed to loot the assets of the company
508
00:21:08,333 --> 00:21:10,335
and, as he put it, "skedaddle."
509
00:21:11,837 --> 00:21:13,839
Well, it all worked out for the best.
510
00:21:13,839 --> 00:21:16,341
We didn't need any superior life-forms.
511
00:21:16,341 --> 00:21:17,342
That's right.
512
00:21:17,342 --> 00:21:19,845
We like it the way things are right now.
513
00:21:19,845 --> 00:21:22,848
Each of us is exactly as superior as the next,
514
00:21:22,848 --> 00:21:23,849
no more, no less.
515
00:21:27,352 --> 00:21:30,355
Is, uh, anyone going to eat that last napkin?
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