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CHILD: Dear Uncle or Aunt Dilbert,
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my name is Petrunyik Vlastominitz.
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I thank you so much for being my foster parent.
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Life in Elbonia has become so much better
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since you began sending your 87 cents a week.
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I now have a shoe,
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and my vision has returned
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to look upon the beautiful mud of my homeland.
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Hopefully, one day you can visit me when the--
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check one--
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flood, famine, volcanic eruption, plague,
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or war has/have ended.
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Love, Petru.
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Petru, your food problem may be over sooner than you think.
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I'll start with a cup of coffee.
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You're going to have
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to make your own breakfast today.
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I'm busy inventing a hybrid food plant
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that could end world hunger forever.
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Mm-hmm, that's fascinating.
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I'll have two fried strips of the new thing
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with hash browns and coffee.
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Do you think banging you mug is going to work?
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This is not a diner.
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Okay, go back to becoming famous with your new food invention.
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I'm not doing this to become famous,
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though I admit that may be
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an unavoidable consequence
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of coming up with the greatest improvement
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in food production since Squanto.
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"Squanto"?
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He showed the pilgrims that
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if you put a fish in the ground with your corn seeds,
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it fertilizes the plant.
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How do you know Squanto
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wasn't trying to grow a fish tree?
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Maybe he was too lazy to dig his own hole.
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Dogbert, what I'm working on here may once and for all
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put the lie to the Malthusian imperative
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and save humanity
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from the grim prospect of a foodless future.
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Put the what to who and save who from what?
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What I've come up with is a nutritious hybrid
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that will feed millions of people for pennies a day.
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Do you want to see it?
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Only if it goes good with jelly.
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I inserted the DNA
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from a prize-winning Norwegian cow
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into the nucleus of a tomato seed.
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Then I made it rectangular
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so you can stack them more efficiently.
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Part meat, part tomato.
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I call it the tomeato.
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Do you want to be the first to eat it?
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That depends on the alternatives.
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Is it too late
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to dig up Squanto's fish?
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Maybe we should test it on someone expendable first.
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Ratbert.
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Breakfast.
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Hey, where's yours?
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We thought you should eat first for once.
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Now this is more like it.
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You're finally treating like a member of the family.
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[BELCHES]
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[EXPLOSION]
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[music]
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[CHANTING]
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[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
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Comments, people?
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This is perhaps the most revolting food item
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I have ever encountered.
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It actually frightens me.
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It's so unappealing on so many levels
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it's hard to know what to criticize first.
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It's like Wally,
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except small enough to flush down the toilet.
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Thank God for my oversized head.
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I think it's creepy!
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Is it alive?
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If you tried to put this thing on the market,
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you'd be out of business in a week.
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Now that is definitely...
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Not what we're looking for.
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Wait a minute.
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You're going to dismiss the tomeato
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because it's unattractive?
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Sound reasoning from my perch, Dilby.
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But it's a perfect food source for third-world countries.
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It contains all the vitamins and minerals necessary
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to sustain an adult.
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It grows anywhere. It doesn't need refrigeration.
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Two words, Dilby.
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Ug-ly.
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What does that have to do with anything?
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I know for a fact that there's a market for this.
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No offense, Dilweed,
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but what you engineers know about marketing
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could fit inside the very small opening
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on a very small thing.
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Well put.
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What about Elbonia?
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There's a famine in Elbonia.
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Until CNN has a name for it, like "famine in Elbonia"
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it's not really happening.
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Who are we to impose
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our way of life upon another culture?
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I'm pretty sure that every culture likes to eat.
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Suppose we discovered
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an entire nation of supermodels? What then?
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That is the dumbest hypothetical question
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I have ever heard.
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People always say that
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when I'm winning the argument.
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If I could interrupt here--
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And I know I can--
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I'm hearing some good news here
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for the old torpedo.
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Tomeato.
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Whoa. Easy, Norbert.
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Now this Elbonia.
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It's not in America, right?
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Your guess is as good as mine...
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possibly better
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because I try to make all my guesses rhyme.
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Anyway we could grow these crapberries in Elbonia,
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then bring them back
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as an exotic import specialty food.
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You know, the kind you give to other people
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when you can't think of a real gift.
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Hmm. a basket of Norwegian sour meats.
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I don't see why
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I have to go down to accounting
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to increase the travel budget
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just for a trip to Elbonia.
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I know it seems like a form
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of arbitrary punishment.
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But?
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But what?
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[SCREAMING]
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Uh, who do I speak to
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about increasing my travel budget?
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Travel budget?
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Travel budget?
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Who do you think you are?
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I think I'm someone traveling to Elbonia on business.
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Do you have any proof?
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Proof?
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Since when do we need proof to do our jobs?
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Do you think we just give out money
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to anyone who asks for it?
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Do I look like Santa Claus to you?
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No, you look like some sort of hideous creature.
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Thank you, because that's the look I'm going for.
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What if I just go on the trip
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and then submit carefully documented receipts
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when I return?
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And what if you never return?
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I'll leave explicit instructions
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for the executor of my will to file my receipts.
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Very well.
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Sign here.
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I approve your request to use your personal airline miles
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to pay for this trip.
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What?
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You really should read the fine print.
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It's nice having visitors.
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So, where's all the famine?
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Let's ask.
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Excuse me.
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Can you direct us
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to the famine-stricken parts of Elbonia?
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What is famine?
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The food shortages,
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the hunger crisis.
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I don't know what you're talking about.
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We have no hunger here.
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I myself ate four meals already today.
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Yes, of mud.
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Have you tasted it?
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No thanks.
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Hey, chocolate.
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Not just chocolate.
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Nutritious, non-fattening, and obviously abundant.
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Maybe this was a mistake.
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They're eating mud, Wally.
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Mud.
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Obviously, they're in denial.
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Um, can you tell me
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where this picture was taken?
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Yes, that is Petrunyik Vlastominitz,
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the richest man in Elbonia.
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His mansion is one mile in that direction.
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I think you're confused.
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This is my foster child.
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I send him 87 cents a week.
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[LAUGHING]
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Yeah, you and about a billion other people.
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[CONTINUES LAUGHING]
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Isn't that a sight, Wally?
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The muddy plains of Elbonia being transformed
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into vibrant fields of tomeatoes.
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Yeah, great.
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Can we go back to the hotel?
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I don't feel like I'm on a business trip
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until I pocket the little shampoos.
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WALLY: Hey, check it out.
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It's a cornucopia.
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Salads, soups, meat, fish, poultry.
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Look at the footnote.
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It says all food is made out of Elbonian mud.
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I'm not a fussy eater like you.
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NEWSCASTER: And in a late-breaking story,
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another 5,000 ethnic Elbonians
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decided to leave the country today.
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Since there is no difference
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between ethnic and non-ethnic Elbonians,
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we have no idea why.
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What else is on?
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Let's see.
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MAN: And welcome back
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to Elbonian Monday night football.
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Here's the opening kickoff.
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And that's the game.
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Final score: Elbonian Molemen: zero
226
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Elbonian Chickenhawks: zero.
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That was exciting.
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I had money on that game.
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Coming up next: ELBONIAN BAYWATCH.
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WALLY: Dilbert, would you mind leaving for a little while?
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I have trouble watching Baywatch
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with someone else in the room.
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[LOUD CRACKLING]
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Did you hear that?
235
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Yeah.
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You really ought to stretch more.
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Wow, that was fast.
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Experts are holding the tomeato responsible
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for plunging Elbonia into the worst famine ever.
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It's the tomeatoes' fault.
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It's a freak of nature.
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Meat and fruit; whoever heard of such a thing?
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It has sucked all the nutritional value
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out of our delicious Elbonian mud.
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Now it tastes like mud!
246
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It's inedible!
247
00:11:31,257 --> 00:11:32,258
It smells bad!
248
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Although, I do admit, it stacks nicely.
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TV ANNOUNCER: The Elbonian exodus has begun
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as hungry Elbonians seek refuge in neighboring countries
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while starving Elbonians who remain
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are resorting to desperate measures.
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This is the most delicious hotel
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I've ever eaten.
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We've got to find poor little Petrunyik.
256
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He must be so frightened and helpless.
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Do you know where this picture was taken?
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[CHUCKLING]
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Tourists.
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Yeah, you got five minutes.
261
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What do you want?
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First of all, you lied to me.
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I thought you were a starving child,
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not an Elbonian fat cat.
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Although, I must admit you've done an excellent job
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investing my 87 cents per week.
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Thank you.
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Second, I came here to help Elbonia
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with the advent of the tomeato crop,
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but it hasn't worked out that way.
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Instead of stabilizing an unstable country,
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I've destabilized a stable one.
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So, like, just the opposite?
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Yes.
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So what do you want me to do about it besides laugh?
276
00:13:06,852 --> 00:13:09,855
Well, admittedly, the tomeato tastes like wet suede,
277
00:13:09,855 --> 00:13:12,358
but it looks good and stacks well.
278
00:13:12,358 --> 00:13:13,359
So?
279
00:13:13,359 --> 00:13:15,861
Well, as a food product, it's a total loser.
280
00:13:15,861 --> 00:13:17,363
But think about it--
281
00:13:17,363 --> 00:13:20,866
the tomeato would make a great lightweight building material.
282
00:13:20,866 --> 00:13:22,868
You could rebuild the infrastructure,
283
00:13:22,868 --> 00:13:24,870
create employment, encourage trade,
284
00:13:24,870 --> 00:13:26,872
and jump-start the economy.
285
00:13:26,872 --> 00:13:29,375
But the tomeato isn't a building material.
286
00:13:29,375 --> 00:13:30,376
Let me taste it.
287
00:13:34,380 --> 00:13:35,381
Blah!
288
00:13:35,381 --> 00:13:36,882
It is now.
289
00:13:36,882 --> 00:13:39,385
How much is this going to cost me?
290
00:13:39,385 --> 00:13:42,388
You can underwrite the entire reconstruction
291
00:13:42,388 --> 00:13:43,389
for $1.35.
292
00:13:43,389 --> 00:13:44,890
So then I convinced Petrunyik
293
00:13:44,890 --> 00:13:47,393
that the tomeato could be profitable
294
00:13:47,393 --> 00:13:49,395
as a building material.
295
00:13:49,395 --> 00:13:50,396
Good work, Wally.
296
00:13:50,396 --> 00:13:51,397
When you get back,
297
00:13:51,397 --> 00:13:52,898
remind me which one you are.
298
00:13:52,898 --> 00:13:53,899
You got it.
299
00:13:53,899 --> 00:13:55,901
And remind me why you went over there
300
00:13:55,901 --> 00:13:56,902
and what you did.
301
00:13:56,902 --> 00:13:57,903
I will.
302
00:13:57,903 --> 00:13:58,904
And, while you're at it,
303
00:13:58,904 --> 00:14:00,906
maybe you can tell me who the hell I am.
304
00:14:00,906 --> 00:14:02,408
I'll see what I can do.
305
00:14:02,408 --> 00:14:05,411
Will I get some sort of non-monetary award?
306
00:14:05,411 --> 00:14:08,414
I'll see what we have in the lost-and-found.
307
00:14:10,916 --> 00:14:13,919
You owe me big time.
308
00:14:19,425 --> 00:14:21,427
Gee, I wonder if these tomeatoes
309
00:14:21,427 --> 00:14:24,930
have been kept in a temperature-controlled warehouse.
310
00:14:24,930 --> 00:14:26,432
Why?
311
00:14:26,432 --> 00:14:29,435
Have you ever seen what happens to a dead camel in the sun?
312
00:14:29,435 --> 00:14:31,437
Those tomeatoes are now half-rancid meat,
313
00:14:31,437 --> 00:14:32,938
and there's always the issue
314
00:14:32,938 --> 00:14:34,940
of the inherent fertilizer that I added.
315
00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:36,442
What are you saying?
316
00:14:40,946 --> 00:14:43,949
BOSS: It gives me great pleasure,
317
00:14:43,949 --> 00:14:46,952
nothing disgusting or obscene in any way,
318
00:14:46,952 --> 00:14:49,455
but great pleasure nonetheless,
319
00:14:49,455 --> 00:14:53,459
to present Wally with this non-monetary award.
320
00:14:53,459 --> 00:14:55,461
Don't put it on, Wally.
321
00:14:55,461 --> 00:14:59,965
Remember if the glove fits, you must quit.
322
00:14:59,965 --> 00:15:01,467
Am I the only one here
323
00:15:01,467 --> 00:15:02,968
who sees the logic of that?
324
00:15:02,968 --> 00:15:04,970
I'm not going to wear it, Asok.
325
00:15:04,970 --> 00:15:07,973
I'm putting it in my awards trophy case
326
00:15:07,973 --> 00:15:09,475
with the tube sock and the...
327
00:15:09,475 --> 00:15:11,977
Oh, I guess it's just the two things.
328
00:15:11,977 --> 00:15:13,479
It is my dream that some day
329
00:15:13,479 --> 00:15:16,982
I will win something from the lost-and-found box.
330
00:15:16,982 --> 00:15:19,485
I've got my eye on a little black comb.
331
00:15:19,485 --> 00:15:20,986
Calm down, everyone.
332
00:15:20,986 --> 00:15:23,989
There are enough non-monetary incentives
333
00:15:23,989 --> 00:15:24,990
for all of you.
334
00:15:28,994 --> 00:15:31,997
Hey, I'm missing a glove!
335
00:15:38,003 --> 00:15:40,005
[HUMMING]
336
00:15:40,005 --> 00:15:42,007
Do you think this is too ostentatious?
337
00:15:42,007 --> 00:15:44,009
I mean, it's a lot for one person.
338
00:15:44,009 --> 00:15:45,511
It's fine.
339
00:15:45,511 --> 00:15:47,513
Look, we have to do something about Elbonia.
340
00:15:47,513 --> 00:15:48,514
I don't know.
341
00:15:48,514 --> 00:15:49,515
If I win another award,
342
00:15:49,515 --> 00:15:51,517
I'm afraid I'll lose my ability
343
00:15:51,517 --> 00:15:53,018
to relate to the little people.
344
00:15:53,018 --> 00:15:54,019
Wally, I...
345
00:15:54,019 --> 00:15:57,022
Uh-oh... it's happening already.
346
00:15:57,022 --> 00:15:59,024
I can't relate to you.
347
00:15:59,024 --> 00:16:00,025
TV ANNOUNCER: In the news,
348
00:16:00,025 --> 00:16:01,527
Elbonian strongman
349
00:16:01,527 --> 00:16:03,028
Petrunyik Vlastominitz
350
00:16:03,028 --> 00:16:05,030
has successfully used the threat
351
00:16:05,030 --> 00:16:07,533
of deploying long-range tomeato-based weapons,
352
00:16:07,533 --> 00:16:09,034
including the tomeato bomb,
353
00:16:09,034 --> 00:16:12,037
to extort neighboring countries just for kicks,
354
00:16:12,037 --> 00:16:15,541
managing to jump-start the once-robust economy
355
00:16:15,541 --> 00:16:17,543
of nascent superpower Elbonia.
356
00:16:17,543 --> 00:16:19,044
Uh-oh.
357
00:16:19,044 --> 00:16:22,548
Didn't you win the Nobel glove for that one, Oppenheimer?
358
00:16:22,548 --> 00:16:23,549
No, I didn't.
359
00:16:23,549 --> 00:16:24,550
Nice job.
360
00:16:24,550 --> 00:16:27,052
It's not exactly what I had in mind.
361
00:16:27,052 --> 00:16:28,554
Oh, yes, it is.
362
00:16:28,554 --> 00:16:30,556
You wanted to end hunger in Elbonia with tomeatoes.
363
00:16:30,556 --> 00:16:33,058
Now that they're being used as weapons, you will.
364
00:16:33,058 --> 00:16:34,059
Congratulations.
365
00:16:34,059 --> 00:16:35,561
I think you're a strong candidate
366
00:16:35,561 --> 00:16:37,563
for the congressional used handkerchief of honor.
367
00:16:37,563 --> 00:16:40,065
If we could only get them to eat the tomeato
368
00:16:40,065 --> 00:16:42,067
rather than use it as a weapon.
369
00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:44,069
You are a dreamer.
370
00:16:46,572 --> 00:16:48,073
People of Elbonia,
371
00:16:48,073 --> 00:16:51,076
we must cease using the tomeato as a weapon.
372
00:16:53,078 --> 00:16:55,080
Perhaps you misunderstood me.
373
00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:57,583
I said the tomeato was not designed
374
00:16:57,583 --> 00:16:59,585
and should not be used as a weapon.
375
00:16:59,585 --> 00:17:03,589
Did you say the tomeato should not BE USED AS WEAPON?
376
00:17:03,589 --> 00:17:05,591
Yes.
377
00:17:05,591 --> 00:17:08,093
I think we need backup.
378
00:17:08,093 --> 00:17:10,095
Drop the Dilmom.
379
00:17:10,095 --> 00:17:13,098
Repeat, drop the Dilmom.
380
00:17:16,602 --> 00:17:19,605
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
381
00:17:25,110 --> 00:17:26,612
What can my mom do?
382
00:17:26,612 --> 00:17:29,114
Uh, who has the longest track record in the world
383
00:17:29,114 --> 00:17:31,617
for making people eat things that taste like crap?
384
00:17:31,617 --> 00:17:33,619
Good thinking.
385
00:17:33,619 --> 00:17:36,622
TV ANNOUNCER: It's time for COOKING WITH DILMOM.
386
00:17:36,622 --> 00:17:38,624
Here's your host, Dilmom.
387
00:17:38,624 --> 00:17:41,627
Today, we will prepare the succulent tomeato.
388
00:17:41,627 --> 00:17:45,130
I know, I know, it tastes like crap, but hear me out.
389
00:17:45,130 --> 00:17:48,133
A common error people make in the preparation of the tomeato
390
00:17:48,133 --> 00:17:49,635
is in treating it like a vegetable
391
00:17:49,635 --> 00:17:51,136
instead of what it is:
392
00:17:51,136 --> 00:17:53,138
half meat, half tomato,
393
00:17:53,138 --> 00:17:55,641
which, incidentally, is a fruit, not a vegetable.
394
00:17:55,641 --> 00:17:57,142
As with any meat,
395
00:17:57,142 --> 00:17:58,644
you have to thoroughly disguise it
396
00:17:58,644 --> 00:18:00,646
before anyone will want to eat it.
397
00:18:00,646 --> 00:18:01,647
First, you slice it,
398
00:18:01,647 --> 00:18:03,649
then you burn it over a fire
399
00:18:03,649 --> 00:18:06,151
until you can't tell what it was originally.
400
00:18:06,151 --> 00:18:07,152
What about the taste?
401
00:18:07,152 --> 00:18:09,655
The taste comes from the seasonings.
402
00:18:09,655 --> 00:18:11,156
Does anyone have ketchup?
403
00:18:29,675 --> 00:18:31,176
It is delicious.
404
00:18:31,176 --> 00:18:33,178
It tastes like ketchup.
405
00:18:33,178 --> 00:18:34,179
This is very impressive,
406
00:18:34,179 --> 00:18:36,682
but our Elbonian mud hasn't been the same
407
00:18:36,682 --> 00:18:38,183
since Dilbert rendered it inedible
408
00:18:38,183 --> 00:18:40,185
with his agricultural boondoggle.
409
00:18:40,185 --> 00:18:42,187
That wouldn't be the first time.
410
00:18:42,187 --> 00:18:44,690
Does anyone have any vanilla bean extract?
411
00:18:50,195 --> 00:18:51,196
Uh-oh!
412
00:19:02,207 --> 00:19:03,208
Try it.
413
00:19:06,211 --> 00:19:08,213
It is delicious.
414
00:19:08,213 --> 00:19:11,717
Let us lay down our tomeatoes of mass destruction
415
00:19:11,717 --> 00:19:14,720
and lift up our tomeatoes of peace and plenty
416
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:17,222
and return ourselves to the backward
417
00:19:17,222 --> 00:19:20,225
and inconsequential country we once were.
418
00:19:20,225 --> 00:19:23,729
[ALL CHEERING]
419
00:19:23,729 --> 00:19:25,731
It worked.
420
00:19:25,731 --> 00:19:27,232
Yes, I suppose you're off the hook.
421
00:19:27,232 --> 00:19:28,734
Instead of being known
422
00:19:28,734 --> 00:19:30,736
as the father of the tomeato bomb,
423
00:19:30,736 --> 00:19:32,738
you'll return to your former status
424
00:19:32,738 --> 00:19:34,239
as an anonymous cubicle dweller.
425
00:19:34,239 --> 00:19:35,240
I'll take it.
426
00:19:36,241 --> 00:19:38,243
She still has the magic.
427
00:19:38,243 --> 00:19:39,745
I remember one time,
428
00:19:39,745 --> 00:19:42,748
she convinced me to eat a whole can of Play-doh.
429
00:19:42,748 --> 00:19:44,249
That wasn't her. That was me.
430
00:19:44,249 --> 00:19:45,751
No. I remember distinctly.
431
00:19:45,751 --> 00:19:47,252
She called from the pay phone
432
00:19:47,252 --> 00:19:48,754
and said dinner would be late,
433
00:19:48,754 --> 00:19:50,756
so I should start in on the Play-doh.
434
00:19:50,756 --> 00:19:53,759
Did it sound like this?
435
00:19:53,759 --> 00:19:56,261
[IMITATING DILMOM]: Dilbert, I'll be home late.
436
00:19:56,261 --> 00:19:57,262
Why don't you see
437
00:19:57,262 --> 00:19:59,264
how much Play-doh you can eat.
438
00:19:59,264 --> 00:20:00,265
[GROANS]
439
00:20:04,770 --> 00:20:07,272
As luck would have it,
440
00:20:07,272 --> 00:20:09,775
we found another glove to give out
441
00:20:09,775 --> 00:20:12,277
as a non-monetary award.
442
00:20:12,277 --> 00:20:14,780
This one goes to Loud Howard.
443
00:20:14,780 --> 00:20:15,781
Oh, yes!
444
00:20:15,781 --> 00:20:18,784
That glove will go perfectly
445
00:20:18,784 --> 00:20:21,286
with my other-- oh...
446
00:20:21,286 --> 00:20:24,790
And last but not least, yet far from most,
447
00:20:24,790 --> 00:20:27,793
somewhere in the lower-middle range,
448
00:20:27,793 --> 00:20:30,796
we have for Dilbert,
449
00:20:30,796 --> 00:20:32,798
a lovely baggie that once held a sandwich.
450
00:20:36,301 --> 00:20:37,803
Thank you.
451
00:20:39,304 --> 00:20:40,806
You know, it's funny.
452
00:20:40,806 --> 00:20:43,308
On the inside of my trophy case,
453
00:20:43,308 --> 00:20:44,810
a sock and a glove,
454
00:20:44,810 --> 00:20:46,311
while on the outside,
455
00:20:46,311 --> 00:20:48,814
this rag, destined to clean the dust
456
00:20:48,814 --> 00:20:50,315
from the other objects.
457
00:20:50,315 --> 00:20:51,817
There's such a fine line
458
00:20:51,817 --> 00:20:54,319
between dust rag and valuable trophy.
459
00:20:54,319 --> 00:20:57,322
At least my award wasn't on someone's smelly foot.
460
00:20:57,322 --> 00:21:00,325
Are you saying your one non-monetary award
461
00:21:00,325 --> 00:21:03,328
is better than my two non-monetary awards?
462
00:21:03,328 --> 00:21:04,830
No, I'm not saying that.
463
00:21:04,830 --> 00:21:05,831
Good.
464
00:21:05,831 --> 00:21:08,834
I'm saying it's better than the sock.
465
00:21:08,834 --> 00:21:10,836
You take that back.
466
00:21:12,838 --> 00:21:14,840
Those darn non-monetary incentives
467
00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:16,842
really get their energy up.
468
00:21:16,842 --> 00:21:19,344
I must remember to give one to myself.
469
00:21:19,344 --> 00:21:21,346
This came for you.
470
00:21:38,363 --> 00:21:39,865
[music]
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